REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
Okay, this is going to sound kind of stupid coming from me, but these shoes are too small. They must just run that way. They pinch at the toes and get super narrow. They’re very snug. I’m sorry.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
You’re not going to believe this. The new size came—great customer service!—but they’re too big. Wish I were making this up.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
I’m really trying here. But you need a sturdy pump for a cobblestone path, and it can only be sturdy if it fits. The new size is too small again. I know, how is that possible? And, while I’m here, the heel is also too high. And the strap is too wide.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
They fit now, but the only color they had in this size is “dove.” So, here goes: they’re too frumpy. Also: too easily scuffed, too loud, too friendly, too beige-smelling, too Katy-Perry-if-she-was-a-French-blacksmith-in-space, and, I don’t know, too leathery. And now that I’ve walked up and down the stairs a few times I’m realizing they’re too big.
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHOE JUST LIKE YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR MY WIFE’S CHAIR. WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY WIFE’S CHAIR?
REVIEWER: MamaGrizzly from Upper Arbor Estates
But see, this just shows her decisiveness issues go beyond our food and furniture.
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
YEAH WHAT ABOUT MY BED. WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY GODDAM BED?
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
That’s so funny, I wondered why you have separate beds. Ever heard of Sleep Number? Anyway, I’m going to see if they have a similar shoe in a color besides “dove.”
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST BIRDS?
REVIEWER: BabyB from Morning Woods
Maybe you just have arch problems, G. Try an orthopedic insole.
REVIEWER: MamaGrizzly from Upper Arbor Estates
It’s not her arch. She’s picking the wrong style of shoe on purpose to be difficult.
REVIEWER: BabyB from Morning Woods
There’s nothing wrong with being a little choosy, Ma.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
I’m really not that picky a person.
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
YOU BROKE OUR WINDOW.
REVIEWER: LittleRed from Grandma’s Forest
Hey, just wanted to let you all know I loved this shoe. Perfect fit, the first time around. I get lots of compliments.
REVIEWER: Grandma from Grandma’s Forest
They are flattering on her. And say what you want, but Red sticks to her choices.
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
WHY CAN’T SHE BE THE ONE TO BREAK INTO OUR HOUSE?
REVIEWER: ThirdLittlePig from The Brick House
Listen, I’m worried about toe cleavage. How do you think this shoe would look on small hooves?
REVIEWER: Hansel from No Idea Where I Am
Or paired with lederhosen?
REVIEWER: BBWolf from Not The Forest
Or a nightgown?
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
You know, it’s just a nice service to let the public know this shoe runs small and pinches too much.
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
MAYBE YOU RUN SMALL AND PINCH TOO MUCH.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
All right, I’m not responding anymore. This is getting too awkward.
REVIEWER: BabyB from Morning Woods
Too awkward? Or not awkward enough?
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
Hilarious. But I really have to go. There’s an egg-man in overalls outside my window sitting on a brick wall for some reason.
REVIEWER: Hansel from No Idea Where I Am
What kind of shoes is he wearing with those overalls?
REVIEWER: PapaBear from Those Are My Woods You’re Talking About
IS THAT EGG-MAN OUTSIDE YOUR OWN RESIDENCE OR ARE YOU IN SOME OTHER HOUSE FULL OF UNSATISFACTORY FURNITURE?
REVIEWER: Grandma from Grandma’s Forest
Oh dear, I hope he doesn’t fall.
REVIEWER: Goldlox3 from Big Scary Woods
And… he’s on the ground.
REVIEWER: MamaGrizzly from Upper Arbor Estates
We need more insurance around here.
REVIEWER: BabyB from Morning Woods
Great. Now my porridge is cold.
REVIEWER: BBWolf from Not The Forest
Fucking brick walls.