1. Use the hateful, disappointing pages of your daily calendar as rolling paper in one of the many states where pot is now legal.
2. Macrame a one of a kind, Etsy-worthy Harambe potholder. Place said potholder on a high-powered gas burner. Turn burner on. Make sad gorilla sounds.
3. Take the overpriced, logo-emblazoned, sweat-shop crafted souvenirs purchased in celebration of the Rio Olympics to a nearby petrol station. Leave them in the bathroom. Break the bathroom door.
4. Buy grape Kool-aid in gallon-sized containers. Stand on a street in Minneapolis. Pour the liquid onto said street. Sing “Purple Rain.”
5. Mix any remaining Kool-aid with vodka. Drink.
6. Stop by your local nativity scene with a set of stick-on name tags. Give Mary, Joseph and Baby JC new, distinctly Syrian names. Replace the creche with a makeshift tent. Watch people suddenly care.
7. Combine protein packs, starfruit and lightning bolts under pressure. Wear a red mullet and unitard. Promote any and all captains named “Tom.”
8. Mix any remaining starfruit with rum. Drink.
9. Pull the wings off every mosquito in the Western hemisphere.
10. Place Earl Grey, English Breakfast and Yorkshire Gold tea in a separate cabinet from German coffee or Italian roast. Similarly segregate all anglo-centric muffins or scones from Danishes and French breads. Do not recombine these items, even at mealtime, until all parties have reached a renegotiated rate of consumption.
11. Build a 1/8th scale Nakatomi Plaza. Break into it wearing Slytherin robes. If anyone tries to stop you, tell them you’re the voice of God.
12. Go to a nightclub in Orlando. Be nice to everyone.
13. Go to an airport in Brussels. Be nice to everyone.
14. Go to a Christmas Market in Berlin or an Art Gallery Ankara or a Mosque in Switzerland or a playground in Lahore or a police station in Mogadishu or countless other places in countless other cities around the world. Be nice to everyone.
15. Write a fake news story about how Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are secretly co-conspiratorial super aliens sent by an unnamed galactic villain to overthrow the planet. Post it on Facebook. Block anyone who shares it.
16. Hug your friends and family — even the ones who have shared the above story on Facebook and been subsequently blocked.
17. Remember that in 1919, the president had a stroke, half a million Americans died from the flu, inflation went nuts, race riots broke out across the country, the red scare started and prohibition was introduced.
18. Have another, mercifully legal drink.