1. Hip toss into a giant vat of butterscotch pudding. Destroyed.
2. Rising punch you off of your skateboard. Miraculously you land back on it then crash into a wall of rusty nails. Destroyed.
3. Empi Uchi elbow strike to the windpipe. You’re a human whistle now. Destroyed.
4. Backfist strike to root chakra sends a shockwave up your spine. Your head pops like a balloon. Destroyed.
5. Rapid two-finger spear hand strikes to your beautiful hair. You have a crew cut now. Destroyed.
6. Ankle grab and throw you up into an industrial-grade ceiling fan. Sorry, human piñata. Destroyed.
7. Crouching tiger hidden dentist rapid tooth extraction. Hope you like soup. Destroyed.
8. Middle finger punch to your third eye. You detach from time and space, see a perfect pearl emerge from the oily void, then shit your pants. Destroyed.
9. Flying headbutt to your stomach. You vomit up your intestines. Cleanup on aisle destroyed.
10. Kakato geri axe kick splits your body in two. You are the magician’s regretful assistant. Destroyed.
11. Foot sweep you into a bottomless well. Your falling “ahhhh” echoes until you die of starvation. Destroyed.
12. Crane kick you in the nose. My big and pointer toes go up your nostrils and rip your face off. I go home and watch the movie Face/Off with your face still on my foot. Destroyed.
13. Put you in a shime waza chokehold and gently whisper The Rime of the Ancient Mariner in your ear as you lose consciousness. You come to in a port-o-potty at a regional chili cook-off. Destroyed.
14. Sneak into your bedroom and double-fisted mountain punch a gong while you sleep, cruelly ripping you out of the best sex dream of your life. Never let your guard down. Destroyed.
15. Reverse rising punch you back through time to just moments before your happiest memory. Who’s that tapping you on the shoulder? Younger me. Barrage of fist-kick fury. Destroyed.
16. Reach out my hand to offer a truce. Psych. Punt you through a JESUS SAVES billboard with a front snap kick to the groin. Destroyed.
17. Absorb your belly punch and then the rest of your body with it. Board a research ship to Antarctica and release you on a solitary melting glacier. Have fun. Destroyed.
18. Roundoff into a backflip over your head while holding a scalding hot cup of fair trade coffee. Land behind you without spilling a drop, pull back your waistband, and pour the hot java down your pants. Destroyed.
19. See you crossing the street. We make eye contact, then I tornado kick a pigeon out of the air. You stop, stunned, and get hit by a live poultry truck. Meep Meep. Feathers and destruction.
20. Yeah, sure you can see my nunchucks. Want me to take a picture of you with them? Give me your phone. Ready? 1-2 — throw the phone like a shuriken, burying it right between your eyes. Fatality. Destroyed.
21. Catfish you pretending to be a sexy veterinarian and ask you to meet me at Chili’s for happy hour. Watch you drink five margaritas through the window, then wait for you to exit, disappointed. Ten rapid knuckle punches to the liver. Destroyed.
22. Tired of all the destruction, I let you pummel me with your pathetic techniques, but you are forever haunted by the memory of beating a man who refused to fight back. Final destruction. Destroyed.