This think piece does not reflect the views of my employer. It does not reflect the views of me five years ago. If you find social media statements from me five years ago making the exact opposite point, that is because my ideas and beliefs change and evolve. Similarly, this think piece will not represent my beliefs at any time in the future, including five minutes after this think piece is published. Any comments and responses you make to this piece will be spoken unto the void as though arguing with a ghost. All offensive language in this piece has already been apologized for. I have learned many lessons in the writing of this think piece including the lesson that the second line of this think piece (which remains, unedited) is deeply hurtful and incredibly troubling regarding my internalized views of gender norms, beauty standards, and what the word “SCUBA” even means. In writing that last sentence I realized that SCUBA is an acronym and my lack of understanding of whether acronyms are considered true and real “words” means that I may have offended linguists. I apologize in this moment to all linguists present and future who read this without warning. Time-traveling linguists can assume to have been apologized to twice. I would also like to state that this disclaimer serves as a warning to all those who will read it that there are triggering elements held within. For instance, people who are triggered by acronyms or linguists have already been triggered. I am sorry for this. As one continues to read, he / she / they / hey / shey / thee / y’ins / sharkpersons may additionally be triggered by references to “rape” (contained within the word “drapery” which I use when describing my bedroom), the word “drapery,” which I now understand is classist, and detailed descriptions of a room’s interior which can trigger literary minimalists. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Ernest Hemingway, I won’t break confidence by detailing the reasons for my apology as it is not my story to share, but he will know what this is regarding and again, I’m sorry.
Please note that I encourage the reader not to skim my think piece. If the piece is skimmed, the reader may only internalize those points which are set up as straw men arguments and are later knocked down. People who skim are lazy in every way and only those who fully understand and agree with my piece will avoid being considered lazy.
While this think piece stands on its own, please also note that this think piece is an open letter to the counterpoint of an earlier think piece which readers should familiarize themselves with prior to reading my think piece. In order to fully understand the piece, one might also consult Scripture, Sappho, the entire works of Dr. Seuss (including war propaganda) and the back of the Lucky Charms boxes but only circa 1987. My think piece is narrow in its commentary but broad in its ability to be both relevant and irrelevant simultaneously. If this think piece does not interest you, please note that that is because you are not the intended audience. This think piece is meant for those both within and without the echo chamber, but only on Tuesday. If you inherently thought “Taco Tuesday” when reading the word “Tuesday,” please consult a doctor / nutritionist / ethnographer / restauranteur as there is work that you need to complete prior to exposure to this think piece. Remember that life is a journey, as is this think piece.
Finally, please note I am uniquely qualified to opine on the topic held within my think piece. Though I have no personal experience regarding these issues, I was once told I was worldly and therefore representative of the world. If you believe only those populations directly experiencing the issues within my think piece should voice their thoughts on it, I encourage you to write a think piece about that issue.
[Disclaimer: I will not read your think piece. I hate think pieces.]