“The COVID-19 pandemic is over, and H.H.S. will no longer waste billions of taxpayer dollars responding to a nonexistent pandemic that Americans moved on from years ago.” — Andrew Dixon, spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services.
We in the federal government have recently unearthed a scandal of epic proportions: During the previous administration, trillions of taxpayer dollars were wasted on “programs” intended to “help” “people.” Effective immediately, this administration vows not to waste any taxpayer money on anything, because nothing is real.
Do you have any idea how much taxpayer money the government has been spending on “education”? Neither do I, but I know it’s not zero dollars. And here’s the thing: Education is free.
(To be clear, the school where my kids go is not free. That’s why we need vouchers to pay for it.)
Do you pay for things that are free? If your neighbor put a gently used credenza out on the curb with a sign on it that said FREE, would you take it and then knock on her door and give her $50 billion?
(To be clear, I would never take my neighbor’s free credenza. This actually happened, and I had the HOA fine her for a curb violation.)
It’s not just education that’s free; the act of educating itself is free. I’m educating you right now, and it costs me nothing. In fact, often when I’m educating people, they ask me to stop. That’s how low the value of education is: No one even wants mine.
Apparently, some of the taxpayer money being spent on education goes to student loans. But the purpose of student loans is banker profit. If the government spent money to make the terms of student loans less exploitative, poor people might succeed in improving their lives. Then who would bleach my baseboards?
Ultimately, student loans lead to people becoming educated, and then suddenly they’re your smartass nephew who calls you a racist even though you have lots of Black friends, like your kids’ nanny.
“Health” is another big taxpayer money drain that’s not even real. Remember vaccines, research and development, tests, clinics? “Masks”?! All that money was wasted when the COVID-19 pandemic was nonexistent. Some might claim that hundreds of thousands of Americans died of COVID and that hundreds still die each week, but they’re just proving my point: No more taxpayer dollars should go to the deceased. This gravy train’s reached the end of the line, dead nanas.
And now public health officials want even more of your hard-earned money to prevent future pandemics. The next pandemic, by definition, does not exist. You can’t fool me: I know that funding disease prevention means wasting taxpayer money on diseases I don’t even have yet.
The US regularly ranks last among otherwise comparable nations in nearly all measures of health. Imagine going to the store to buy a shirt, paying for a shirt, and then going home without a shirt. Wouldn’t that be a waste of money? “Health” spending is clearly fraudulent, since we don’t have health.
(To be clear, I don’t buy my own shirts. My nanny does my shopping while my kids are at the equestrian lacrosse financial management club—after she bleaches the baseboards.)
The biggest inefficiency we’ve uncovered is this entire clunky system of “checks” and “balances.”
Why waste taxpayer dollars on a judiciary? When you have a judicial branch, you pay for judges, legal aides, lawyers, clerks, bailiffs, and courthouses—all for them to issue orders that will be disregarded anyway.
Plus, sometimes the courts are being used to defend people’s rights—the very thing we’re expressly trying to take away. If I want my nanny’s green card revoked because I heard her on the phone and even though I don’t speak Antillean Creole, I suspect she was talking to my nephew (who learned “French” at “college”) about how I’m a racist, why would we pay actual taxpayer dollars to ensure she has due process when that due process will be ignored anyway?
When nothing is real, using taxpayer money for anything is wasteful.
(To be clear, you’re still going to pay taxes. When I talk about saving money for the “taxpayer,” I’m only talking about a dozen or so taxpayers. Including me.)