Dear ICE official(s),

I noticed you recently detained your first Iranian foreign national. As a first-generation Iranian American, I’ve been conditioned to assume this is a testament to our great Persian culture. At least I’m sure that’s what my dad will say. Is he from Shiraz?

I just had a few questions ahead of any potential deportation and/or the disappearance of myself or my family members.

I know a lot of people might criticize your lack of a formal DEI initiative, but I want to commend the diversity of the first batch of students you’re detaining. It’s like the cast of The Sex Lives of College Girls, if you swapped the white girls for a South Korean and a Palestinian.

Speaking of college, are you deporting only Western, South, and Eastern Asians (and Muslim Africans) with impressive educations? I noticed that, thus far, most of them are pursuing their PhDs. If it helps, despite pleas from my dad, I have no interest in being an MD or PhD.

I also noticed the students are in fields like mechanical engineering or have elite credentials like being a Fulbright Scholar. Again, my dad really wanted me to pursue that path. “Just get a business degree,” he told me. “What about being a lawyer?” he asked. I think he would have settled for a minor in business. But I just got an English degree, and my GPA was not great. Does that help my case?

Also, are you deporting only these legal residents with ties to college campuses, or do you plan on expanding to other places, like cultural centers or the Halal Guys?

I guess what I’m wondering is, are you super committed to universities, and what would you consider a “tie” to a university? If I go to a college campus once a week to take my kids to piano lessons, will you abduct me there, or is this really more to instill fear in all of the “good” immigrants that come to the United States to share their talents here instead of staying at home? Like, is this just an attack on the brain drain that benefits America?

I want to emphasize again that I only have an English degree. Yes, I ended up getting a master’s, but that was in social work, so again, really nothing to see here.

Speaking of preparation, I noticed you’re starting to use plainclothes agents. Bold move. Way to instill fear. Is there any sort of uniform hoodie we should be aware of, or just generally be afraid of any hooded white guys? I actually was already afraid of them, but honestly, I usually felt okay in broad daylight in a public place. Thank you for reminding me that I was never really safe.

Hypothetically speaking, if my Iranian dad had a relationship with a blonde American from the Midwest, thereby ending in my conception, will my 23andMe DNA results be taken into account when choosing what country to deport me to? Or do you detain/deport/disappear based on the highest percentage?

I deleted my 23andMe account out of concern for my data privacy, but on the off chance it will help me make my case, let me go ahead and disclose I’m actually only 49.7 percent Iranian. (I’m 0.5 percent Ashkenazi Jewish, so I physically can’t be antisemitic.) I’m 40.1 percent British and Irish.

If it’s possible to make a request, I wouldn’t mind Ireland. I know it’s not perfect, but they have access to abortion. Also, they speak out against genocide. Of course, I guess that’s what made me a target in the first place.

Thanks for your help,
Saba Khonsari