Art by Matt Smith
So thing is, Leif Eriksson, he had this sistah n’ her name was Freydis Eriksdottir, which makes sense since evuhyrone got their own last name named aftah their dad’s fihrst name back in those days in all those fuckin’ Viking countries. N’ actually Iceland nevah r’even prahgressed outtah doin’ things this way n’ so that’s how it still is there tahday too which is kindah fuckin’ weihrd but whatevah so long as yah don’t have tah go tryin’ tah look someone up in a papah fuckin’ phonebook, which would pry be even mohr fuckin’ antiquated than all those present-day patronyms.
But anyway, no one really knows fah sure if Freydis n’ Leif had the same mom ah not, since yah know, male-dominated medieval society n’ all that shit, but they both had Erik the Red as their fuckin’ fathah. N’ Erik the Red, he was the guy who went n’ found Greenland aftah gettin’ kicked outtah Iceland fah r’instigatin’ too many fuckin’ fights. N’ I mean he was a real good fuckin’ fightah n’ all, but not the kind yah pay tah watch on Pay-Per-View. He was mohr’ah the drunken brawl “your slave did unto my slave, now I’m gonnah go buhrzehrk n’ kill 5 fuckin’ innocent bystandahs” type’ah fightah.
N’ it appee’ahs that Freydis might’ah inherited her dad’s ignoble fuckin’ temprahment.
Now, diffruhnt guys say diffruhnt things ‘bout her, which is the way it always goes since the Icelandic rumah mill was a complete fuckin’ shit show back in the eahrly 1000s. So dependin’ on who yah decide tah listen to, you’ll get a completely diffahrent pictah’ah the stahry, which means it’s actually kindah like watchin’ the fuckin’ TV nowadays. But anyways accahrdin’ tah this one guy, Freydis was this fee’ahless shieldmaiden type who couhragiously ventuh’d fahr beyond the boundahries’ah the known wohrld intah unknown tehrritahry. But this othah guy, he says that she was mohr’ah a manipulative pscyhopath who made the Craigslist Killah look like a well-adjusted membah’ah society.
N’ in eithah case, what yah gottah remembah is that this was all happenin’ duhrin’ the time’ah the Vinland voyages, which was when the Greenlandahs went n’ discovuh’d the westuhrn fuckin’ hemisphee’ah fuckin’ like 500 yee’ahs befohr Columbus was even fuckin’ bohrn. N’ all those Erikskids, they were really fuckin’ big intah the whole Vinland thing. So like by the time Freydis even decided tah go there herself, her brothahs had all already gone n’ done their own voyages, ah at least tried to anyway. By which I mean that Leif was the only one who didn’t totally fuck it all up.
So the fihrst’ah these othah brothahs was this guy Thorvald Eriksson n’ he went n’ he got himself killed tah death by an ahrrow in Nova Scotia ah some fuckin’ place. N’ then aftah that the othah r’othah brothah Thorstein decided tah go n’ try n’ retrieve Thorvald’s dead fuckin’ body, but he ended up gettin’ blown off so fah r’off fuckin’ couhrse that he got stuck in some even mohr godfahsaken paht’ah Greenland than he even stahted out from. N’ then he got sick n’ he fuckin’ died n’ while he was dead he decided tah be a zombie fah r’awhile n’ spook the shit outtah evuhryone livin’ on the fahrm, which was actually an activity that happened pretty often back then.
Anyway, I guess Freydis thought she’d have bettah luck ah somethin’ ‘cause she still decided she really wanted tah go tah Vinland fahr herself aftah r’all.
So what she does is she goes n’ she convinces these two Icelandic brothahs— Helgi n’ Finnbogi—who’d just sailed intah Greenland tah join her on her expedition. So these two guys, they figyah, yeah yah know, why not go tah Vinland n’ stock up on some fuckin’ lumbah n’ maybe some real Vahmont maple syrup ah whatevah. So they all set off in their boats n’ Helgi n’ Finnbogi get tah Vinland fihrst n’ so they set up shop in the houses that Leif had built up there at L’Anse aux Meadows at the nohrthuhn tip’ah Newfoundland n’ then when Freydis gets there she stahts flippin’ the fuck out n’ throwin’ a tempah tantrum that’d make a young Mahky Mahk proud n’ so Helgi n’ Finnbogi pack up n’ they go n’ build their own house not too fah r’away. N’ then wintah comes n’ evuhyrone gets bo’ahd n’ so they decide tah play some games but yah know how things can get when you mix Vikings with games n’ alcohol’, n’ so ah’couhrse hostilities break out n’ now shit’s just gettin’ mohr n’ mohr tense between the two groups’ah Greenlandahs.
N’ so then one mohrnin’ Freydis wakes up eahrly n’ so she walks ovah tah Helgi n’ Finnbogi’s house n’ she sees everyone’s still asleep there ‘xcept Finnbogi. So he gets up n’ goes outside n’ talks tah Freydis who tells him that she thinks livin’ in Vinland sucks hahdah ’en drivin’ down Storrow at rush hour n’ so she wants tah go home in the spring and maybe they can trade boats since the brothaths got the bettah boat n’ Finnbogi’s like yeah, all right, whatevah, since he wants tah stay n’ do some fuckin’ fahmin’ ah whatevah.
Then—fuckin’ get this! Freydis goes back tah her house n’ she gets back in bed with her husband, who’s this losah Thorvard n’ she wakes him up with her cold fuckin’ feet. N’ so natuhrally he’s like “Get yah cold fuckin’ feet off me, Freydis! N’ where you been anyway?” N’ so she answahs n’ she’s like, “I went ovah tah Helgi n’ Finnbogi’s house tah talk tah ‘em ‘bout tradin’ boats n’ they fuckin’ beat me up instead!” N’ then she threatens tah divohrce his ass if he doesn’t set things right—which in those days usually meant doin’ somethin’ completely ovah the fuckin’ top.
So Thorvard doesn’t want a divohrce n’ so he goes n’ he gets his guys n’ they all go down tah Helgi n’ Finnbogi’s house n’ they basic’ly prahceed tah fuckin’ round evuhryone up who’s there. Then Freydis tells ‘em tah fuckin’ kill ‘em all! N’ Thorvard n’ his guys actually oblige n’ they kill all the guys but they just don’t have the nehrve tah staht murdah’en’ the women. N’ so that’s when Freydis takes the ax n’ stahts killin’ all the women herself.
N’ then they all sail back tah Greenland n’ when worhrd finally gets back to Leif ‘bout what had happened, he’s just like “What the fuck’s wrong with my sistah?”
N’ so in case you couldn’t tell, that was the “Freydis is a goddamn psycho-killah” vehrsion’ah what happened. But if you change the channel, yah get this completely diffruhnt vehrsion where she’s not a total evil fuckin’ whackjob.
So in this verhsion, Freydis goes tah Greenland with this guy Thorfinn Karlsefni n’ they all get intah some trouble with the natives meanin’ that trade went fuckin’ south, someone killed someone unprahvoked ah othahwise, n’ so now evuhryone’s fuckin’ killin’ each othah. N’ duhrin’ this battle, the Greenlandah men all run off, leavin’ poohr fuckin’ Freydis tah fend fahr herself. N’ she’s fuckin’ let 8 months pregnant at this point! So yah know, that wasn’t vehry considuhrate ah gentlemanly’ah ‘em but she doesn’t need ‘em anyway ‘cause then she goes n’ she finds a cohrpse at the edge’ah the woods n’ so she takes the swohrd off the dead body n’ then just as the natives ahr closin’ in on her with their wahr-cries n’ whatnot she takes off her top n’ she stahts beatin’ the swohrd against her bahre breasts, which appahrently scahres the natives all off since I guess even back then nude beaches were just mohr’ah a European thing.
But honestly I gottah say, I really got no fuckin’ clue as tah why this wouldah wohrked. I mean sometimes I kindah wondah if maybe all those medieval Icelandic monks who wrote this shit down just had a lottah the same fantasies as moduhrn-day teenage boys. Or maybe they actually just were teenage boys, since yah know, dyin’ wicked young was what people did back then.
But in any case in both vehrsions’ah the stahry, Freydis n’ the othah Greenlandahs all go back home tah Greenland where they all fuckin’ give up on Vinland the Good fahr fuckin’ good n’ gradually all die off ‘emselves.