KID ROCK: We all take ourselves a little too seriously.
GARY BUSEY: We can never remember whether it’s ‘discrete’ or ‘discreet.’
LOU DOBBS: We’re barely holding it together.
KENNY ROGERS: From time to time, we’ve been known to suck the marrow straight out of life in a way that can be off-putting to others.
DAVID DUKE: We’re pretty sure we’re better than the current politics.
SENATORS CORNYN, THUNE, ISAKSON, KENNEDY, and BARASSO: Everyone has a ‘John’ somewhere in their name.
RUDY GIULIANI: We definitely won that argument with the Walgreens cashier.
CHUCK NORRIS: We measure our personal growth and achievement in the tall tales we tell ourselves.
KIRK CAMERON: The volcanic wrath.
JEFF SESSIONS: We struggle not to bring up the President’s name before drinks are served at a dinner party.
TOM BRADY: We might not claw our way out of feeling like worthless, overlooked nobodies.
JERRY FALWELL, JR.: At least making money has to be fulfilling now.
SEAN HANNITY: We swear by our home remedy of letting the head lice just fight it out up there.
SARAH PALIN: Sort of miss the gun panic sales.
STEVE WYNN: Sometimes, we overcompensate and over-repair all the way back to our original position of wildly not giving a rip.
LINDSEY GRAHAM: It’s easy to forget why we’re outraged.
HULK HOGAN: We believe something is real because it’s staged.
NIKKI HALEY: We believe our CAN’T STOP THE HUSTLE tattoo looks better at a distance.
CHUCK WOOLERY: We practice our eye-roll in the mirror to use when talking about Hollywood celebrities.
BEN SASSE: We will for sure leap into action this time.
ALEX JONES: Eventually our sensitive approach must prevail.
MARCO RUBIO: We can’t bring ourselves to admit that we don’t know how to replace the toilet paper roll.
BEN CARSON: We allow ourselves to be astounded daily that we’re still here.
JOHN BOLTON: Tired of being the cute and charming one in the room.
TED NUGENT: This was supposed to be our moment.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: We can’t refrain from blabbing spoilers much longer.
NEWT GINGRICH: We’ve been counting on a collapse of public trust and order for so long, it’s almost like we’re not ready now.
SCOTT BAIO: Still waiting for someone to pinch us.
MITCH MCCONNELL: Still feeling blessed.
MIKE PENCE: Made a personal pledge to avoid politics.