For a variety of reasons, many of you registered voters may not be able to make it to the polls this year. At the County Board of Elections, we take your absence very seriously. We want to look carefully at every vote cast. This is why we’re proud to announce that we’ve fully realized your ballots may hold the key to this year’s election outcome.

In an effort to include all voters, we’ve made it easier than ever to register, sign-up, cast your ballot, see final election results, await confirmation and have your vote tallied.

You could be eligible to vote absentee if you are:

  • currently residing in a different state or county from the one you are registered in
  • living overseas
  • abroad, living well
  • here, but ill
  • serving in the armed forces indefinitely
  • serving in the armed forces now that you’ve been officially
    permitted to enlist
  • working an overtime shift earning minimum wage
  • excited to cast your first “voto presidencial”
  • unable to recognize your own state anymore
  • in a state of transition
  • freed from state on a probationary basis
  • considering your obligation to the environment before printing out this document
  • “cool” with having abandoned the roots you once put down in your county
  • gone in search of self
  • hobbling

Should any one of the above apply to you, your absentee vote ballot is on the way! The pre-processed vote will naturally be voided unless you provide a copy of several of the following forms of I.D.:

  • your current and future driver’s license
  • your gun license
  • a Facebook profile photo no one has liked
  • a non-subsidized sketched self-portrait drawn from memory
  • a photo of you placing in a local eating contest and/or fairgrounds pageant (third or higher)
  • an engraved plaque of your favorite Psalm (not any of the ones about love)
  • your long-form birth certificate, viewed in the right light
  • a screen grab of you captured by your home motion-activated night-vision surveillance camera
  • your best infuriated face
  • an unstamped passport

Within six to eight weeks, you will receive a sealed envelope
containing an explanation for the delay in processing your
application. Should your I.D. turn out to be valid, please take the following steps in this order:

  • create an account through our online portal
  • uncap a black felt-tip pen
  • unfold Secrecy Envelope during some quality alone time
  • write your name on the outside of your Vote Affirmation Envelope (in pen other than black or felt-tip)
  • return to the web address provided when you signed in to our online system (not the portal)
  • come on down to your local polling station
  • click “Login” at one of our monitored computer stations
  • wash all like colors and fabrics together on the cold setting
  • place your optically-scanned ballot that you should have procured several months ago in the Secrecy Envelope
  • do NOT write anywhere on the Special Write-In ballot
  • write “Continue” on the backside of the inner Affirmation envelope after it’s been sealed
  • attach all envelopes to an email
  • a “Welcome to Your Voter Registration” page will appear at some point

Once these steps have been completed, please confirm that:

  • This all makes perfect sense.
  • We’re doing an excellent job.
  • No one wants to bloat the system.
  • The out-of-state university you attend has exposed you to unwieldy new ideas.
  • Figures aren’t for calculating.
  • Doubling down is a valid response to learning you were mistaken.
  • Most people you see on the news aren’t real.
  • “Steady” has its disadvantages.
  • Being grossed out is a solid foundation for political convictions.
  • The nation has plenty of new ideas as is.
  • 1980 was the actual summer of love.
  • It’s NOT going to be okay.

From here it’s important to review your application. In case we’ve missed something, please answer these questions:

  • Who said anything about fraud?
  • What is your favorite part of the democratic process?
  • Is it even possible for us to better serve you?
  • Do you remember what made you leave your state and county in the first place?
  • Why do you insist on apologizing for the place you came from?
  • To what, exactly, do you consider yourself belonging?
  • Do you even recognize the face on that voided I.D.?
  • Why were you always something of a fish out of water anyway?
  • Is there anyone else who can save you now?
  • Why do you look so surprised that we showed up at your door unannounced and in the dead of night like this?
  • Why you telling us to calm down, which will only make things worse?

Now that we’re here, do you have:

  • some Xanax
  • certifiable proof that this is your mailing address
  • a paper shredder
  • a scaling knife
  • a few pie-in-the-sky ideas about how your vote might be counted
  • maddening anecdotes about the ways people in your area don’t take responsibility for themselves
  • your outer Affirmation envelope folded inside your Special Write-In ballot
  • anything else to declare
  • any idea how we might unclench
  • any idea how to exit from the same door entered
  • money for both of our return trips home
  • plans for how you’ll work harder at fitting in once you’re back
  • a full understanding of why it’s now too late to count your vote regardless
  • your Secrecy Ballot checked, signed and sealed

We thank you for your participation. Please direct any and all queries to your newly elected government officials. We appreciate that some of you may not be entirely satisfied. Let us remind you, this is all your fault for being absent.