We probably don’t need to tell you how overwhelming life in the 21st century can be. We could all use some pampering to restore balance to our brain, body and spirit as another fractured new year begins. However, at the Accelerated Modern Wellness Spa Center, we also understand that ordinary spa treatments too often fall woefully short. As a hyper-connected, digital consumer, we understand you’re looking for an experience beyond mere relaxation. With this in mind, we’ve created specifically tailored experiences to give you, at long last, some “me” time.
Signature Detoxification
One of our most popular treatments, this experience is aimed at the elimination of toxins. After a soothing peppermint sugar crystal scrub, you will be whisked away to an offline sphere of effervescent bliss. There, our trained professionals will use warm marine poultices to repair and richly stimulate your skin, your hooded eyelids, your trusty nausea and your general hollowed-out sense of self in a world of flux. This unique treatment will put you at ease, yet keep you up to date. Ideal after long wormholes into loneliness and feelings of inexplicable despair at having viewed the slideshow concerning which cities in the U.S. have the best sunsets. Free Wi-Fi available in steam room.
Body Message
This innovative massage starts with an effortless swipe to the upper left. Multiple fingers working in concert on various exposed zones that rarely see the light of day continue from there. Some drag downward, then fly away to the sides as though to retrieve something they weren’t done with yet. Others toggle aimlessly from left to right for what seems like hours. This allows you to be the change you want to see in the world. You will achieve a dream-like state of wonder as anxiety is shed and you shift from being the intelligent creator of new ideas to a polished and supple utterer of wants. During this treatment, it’s crucial that you not move a muscle. Sandalwood powder will be generously kneaded into key regions throughout.
Back to Basics Exfoliation
Indulge the memory of simpler times with this healing experience that ferries you back to days before interconnectivity and nebulous public approval seeking. Make your reservation through stamped mail written on lined paper in glorious cursive fountain pen ink. Pay in actual jewels arranged in rows of three or more. Upon arrival, enjoy dialing our complimentary rotary phones or learning how to tie a sheepshank knot for no apparent reason. Sit quietly in the dark, ruminating, plotting. Essential oils used during this treatment include orange blossom and book smell. Exact wording for the status update announcing your freedom from online activity available upon request.
Full Feed
Conversely, this experience is for those who feel they never get enough of the Internet. We begin with electrodes. Dozens upon dozens of them that take a full year’s worth of comprehensive worldwide web content and funnel it into one hour-long upload session. Digest an exhaustive variety of GIFs, podcasts, blog posts, celebrity RIPs, music videos confused for their parodies, blinkered humor listicles, comment board debates about NSA surveillance, rants about the impending heat death of the universe, images of giraffes just being friggin’ giraffes and wedding fails. After the session, every nugget of content then weaves together into one larger, entirely coherent narrative whose purpose is profound and whose relevance to your life going forward is inarguable and long-lasting. Conclude by being gently lowered into a heated vat of Shea butter.
Enabled/Disabled
This intense experience involves a dual approach, combining both the Back-to-Basics and the Full Feed. You will vacillate wildly between the two treatments. This means two minutes of ruminating in the dark with a paperback, followed by two minutes hosting a live streaming TED Talk about emotional uplift, then back into darkness, and so on and so forth for the duration of your session. Finish with our unforgettable patent-pending pulse light hair removal procedure. Leave with your scalp feeling absolutely flawless.
NSFW
In addition to being the only real reason you’re here, this particular treatment rejuvenates innate life force while exploring boundaries of appropriateness and oversharing. Please contact us directly.
The Reveal
This drawn-out experience will enlighten you as to how the technology you use every minute of your waking day actually works. You will explore data stacks and orthogonal sub-carriers (those with quadrature amplitude modulation, not phase-shift keying modulation, for obvious reasons!). You will meditate to the sound of various low-humming signals. At some point, you’ll receive a brief neck massage from the person who hovers over the Internet’s on/off switch. Please don’t turn your head to look to see who this person is. Because—full disclosure—this is all well beyond our comprehension. We don’t even know what in sweet holy hell the hot black basalt stones we’ll be placing on your back once you’ve lost consciousness really do. All we can tell you is that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you are OK. But, when the gong sounds, your time is up and you will have forgotten even this.
Clouds
This treatment is not really about you anymore. Your biology has become more or less irrelevant. You don’t need to be here, but regardless, we’ll be wrapping you in acai berry antioxidants for the afternoon just so you have something to make sense of later. Also, revisit that inappropriateness you’re better off clinging to. Suffice it to say that this “me” time has now turned into “our” time. Place your mind elsewhere. We’ll go ahead and say literally. Feel free to bathe in the harvested seaweed and slather on more juniper oil. It might help. No need, however, for the clarifying facial at the end. This could be too much of a good thing.