Alternative Ideas from an Intraoffice Memo at the Museum of Sex After Discovering That the Planned Location for a Los Angeles Branch, 69 Swallow Drive, is Not Actually for Sale, and the Closest Property Available is 67 Swallow Drive

1. I can’t imagine it costing us more than 50 bucks to get a good graphic designer to make the address 67 look like a couple blowing each other. This is the easiest and cheapest alternative that comes to mind but I’m guessing a lot of people will go to the address 69 by accident and we’ll end up with some seriously pissed off neighbors.

2. If we buy 67, we could clearly mark the house with a conspicuous erotic attraction on the front lawn like a big phallus fountain or a pair of grassy hills with pink flowers on top to look like nipples, but that would probably make the neighbors even angrier.

3. There’s a guesthouse on the grounds of 67 that we were planning to buy for the “primitive prophylactics” exhibit, but if we can legally partition it into a separate property, it would become 67 and the main house would become 69. Theoretically this should work, but we don’t have a real estate lawyer on retainer, and I gather the fees would be astronomical. Also, that would mean we wouldn’t be able to use the guesthouse as part of the museum and I’m pretty sure there’s a no-return policy on those twenty Renaissance-era leather cock sheaths.

4. It might be possible to retain the entire property if we can get the LA zoning office to reorganize the addresses on the street and give us 69. That said, the zoning commissioner is a pretty strict Catholic and we’re pushing our luck as it is by opening the museum within city limits.

5. 1967 was the “Summer of Love” and people were definitely having plenty of sex. It’s possible we could run with that idea and do a big exhibit on free love in the ’60s with body painted nude models and Strawberry Alarm Clock or the Grateful Dead playing on repeat. Still, people would be much more likely to get that reference in San Francisco than LA.

6. There are a few 69 addresses available nearby but the street names don’t work as well as “Swallow Drive.” Just north of Swallow, there’s 69 Wonderland Avenue which sounds vaguely erotic, but it also reminds people of kids’ books and it’s going to sound like we’re selling child pornography. Also close by is “69 Thrasher Drive,” which sounds a little like a violent orgasm, but it also just sounds plain old violent. I’m ambivalent.

7. The board is pushing for us to change site altogether and make an offer on 69 Dicks Street in West Hollywood. I guess it’s worth a shot but don’t get your hopes up. We’re not made of money.