If you’re reading this, you purchased a Snapple manufactured in July of last year. During that time, our computers were down. Since we’re not Dr. Pepper (or Diet Dr. Pepper), we have to rely on fun facts on the undersides of our bottle caps to get people to buy our products. And without computers, our writers had to come up with facts they knew to be true without the ability to fact-check them.

While all the facts printed were true, we must retract the following Snapple Facts as they are not quite interesting enough to live up to the standard we set for ourselves:

  • One time, Queen Elizabeth was twelve.
  • An alive person’s heart beats more than nine times a day.
  • There is a frog in my backyard that responds to the name Dennis.
  • Other animals besides cats probably land on their feet; we just haven’t thrown them off stuff enough to know for sure.
  • I might be overstating how much the frog responds to the name Dennis. My stepson, who hates my guts despite my efforts to connect with him, is named Dennis, and it’s just nice to have something respond when I say “Hello, Dennis.”
  • Despite being the First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden is far from being the first woman.
  • The word “tiramisu” comes from the Italian word for coffee-, ladyfinger-, mascarpone-, and cocoa-based dessert.
  • Frog Dennis and Stepson Dennis have answered my phone calls the same number of times, and neither said thank you when I bought Stepson Dennis a new computer.
  • Gorillas are just one of several types of animals.
  • The average person has 1.5 X chromosomes.
  • Helena, Dennis is using the computer I bought him to make pictures of me where my head is really small and my torso is really long (something he knows I’m sensitive about), and he tells his friends it’s a real picture of me. I’ve asked him to stop, but he won’t.
  • Bigfoot’s real name could be Chris.
  • The Bible has a book called “Numbers” but all the other books also have little numbers in them every sentence or so.
  • Snapple makes its fact writers stay all day until they’ve written enough facts, no matter what.
  • Cox’s Hardware, which is owned by Stepson Dennis’s real father, whom he respects, burned down. The arsonist was never caught even though he stopped by during the fire pretending to want to buy nails.
  • Despite being known for their height, giraffes can be smaller than koala bears if the giraffe is really far away and the koala is close.
  • The frog in my yard kind of responded to the name “Kevin” this morning, so I don’t know what’s happening anymore.
  • Snapple will let employees go home for the day if the building mysteriously catches fire.

If any of these facts were on the underside of your cap, please take it back to your point of purchase (provided you did not buy it at Cox’s Hardware) and exchange it for a cap that says, THE POPE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.