As we all know, we live in an era of monumental change. We’ve always prided ourselves on being at the forefront of growth, which is why today, we’re thrilled to publicly announce that Mom has been acquired by Omnimomcorp, creating the premier partnership in unconditional love and updates on what the dog ate all day.
Since 1990, Mom has set out to create a wonderful, nurturing environment for you to grow up in. She’s had the ability to do nine things at once, made sure you went to enough museums and movies, and never said “I told you so” regarding your dud college boyfriend. Now imagine all the incredible things Mom has to offer, paired with Omnimomcorp’s unmatched pearls of wisdom.
What This Means
After decades of success, your #1 Mom will simply be folded into the #1 Mom corporation, Omnimomcorp. She’ll be the same Mom you’re used to, with the abundant resources of a multinational conglomerate of women who are all trying to get out of work in time to get to your jazz dance recital. This strategic combination will establish new benchmarks for asking if you’re warm enough with that sweatshirt, if you have room to take some chili to go, and if Steve Martin is coming out with anything new.
Together, we’re thrilled to embark on this exciting new chapter, in which Mom is now part of a global network of tens of thousands of amazing moms who are equally confused about how your cousin made it look like he married Taylor Swift using A.I. We’ll be able to leverage decades of tradition, technology, and Today Show segments to create a phone call so long you miss a day of work.
What to Expect
Despite the agreement today, Mom will transition into Onmimomcorp gradually throughout the year. You’ll continue to have the same brother, and you’ll continue to receive a panic-inducing 11:15 p.m. phone call that’s actually nothing; Mom just needs the Hulu password. There won’t be any immediate changes in the day-to-day, and Mom will continue to be so proud of everything you are doing, despite having no clue what being an account manager for Venmo’s TikTok means.
Throughout the year, we’ll work closely on the transition with Omnimomcorp’s COO and the Board of Kathys (Aunt Kathy, book club Kathy, and college roommate Kathy).
The Future of Mom
Together, our network of moms will have unmatched cookies, be unafraid to parallel park, and have the unique intuition when you need a big ’ol hug, positioning us for long-term success. Ultimately, Omnimomcorp will be able to give Mom what she wants most… ten minutes alone with that “Glens Powells” (she means Ryan Gosling).