Happy Days
As the new entertainer at Arnold’s, Garfunkel has undue impact on Fonzie, who dedicates himself to folk-music lifestyle, begins wearing thick cable-knit turtlenecks, and gets a tight curly perm. Suburban Milwaukee social universe unravels.
American Idol
SEASON ONE
Kelly Clarkson falls in love with Garfunkel, who is employed as a backstage adviser to contestants. Distracted by the crush, she loses contest. Vastly inferior Justin Guarini, possessed of vaguely Garfunkelesque hairdo, wins.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Sheriff Garfunkel, replacing earlier actors fired during contract disputes, refuses to participate in high-speed chases with the Duke boys. Seeks to resolve legal disputes through mediation and open dialogue. Dukes find employment as machinists and sell General Lee. Daisy gets married and leaves Hazzard County. Uncle Jesse passes away.
The Cosby Show
As Cliff Huxtable’s imaginary friend, Garfunkel necessitates pointless subplots and tedious “Who are you talking to? / Oh no one, dear” gags.
Law & Order
Through a series of free concerts in the park, Garfunkel overcomes crime in the city of New York as criminals are persuaded by his beautiful high tenor to end their deviant ways. Cast spends most of the time doing crossword puzzles.
Sanford and Son
Comedic timing thrown hopelessly off kilter as Garfunkel plays junkyard’s new co-owner during awkward Sanford, Son, and Garfunkel season.
World News Tonight
Viewers are uncomfortable with Garfunkel’s looming background presence as he waits to join Peter Jennings for “the high parts” of the newscast, which never arrive.
Bewitched
Appearing as demon, Garfunkel tricks Darrin into losing a series of wagers culminating in Darrin being forced to choose between condemning his own soul to hell or that of his wife, Samantha. He chooses to condemn Samantha, which ends their marriage. They both take to drinking.
Little House on the Prairie
As Pa’s long-lost troubadour brother “Arthur,” Garfunkel drives action to a halt with twice-per-show performances. Worse, all songs are old Simon and Garfunkel numbers with Garfunkel singing only his own parts, followed by angry obscenity-laced tirades about former partner.
The X-Files
Investigations are derailed as Special Agent Garfunkel demands Mulder and Scully investigate Paul Simon’s potential involvement in every single case. When Simon is always proven to have an alibi, Garfunkel seethes, “He got away this time.”
Cheers
Nearly constant solo performances in the bar irrevocably change the mood. Zinging insults begin to seem prohibitively cruel. New folk-music clientele weeps audibly at Carla’s wisecracking putdowns. Dialogue is hard to hear.
Muppet Babies
In the presence of full-grown non-animated Garfunkel, who appears to have no real dramatic function, visibly frightened Muppet Babies retreat into their own private worlds, never have any adventures, never say anything cute or clever, and become very lonely.
Fantasy Island
Playing himself, Garfunkel appears in each show’s opening sequence. Mr. Roarke asks all guests if any of their fantasies involve Art Garfunkel. They always say no, so Garfunkel spends the rest of the episode wandering around the island and mooching food.
The Golden Girls
Garfunkel plays Bea Arthur’s down-on-his-luck nephew who comes to live with the ladies. Once there, he never really does anything but sit on the couch sighing. All characters lose their zest for life and soon die of natural causes.
Monday Night Football
As quarterback of 1983 Cleveland Browns, Garfunkel is on the field for only two plays, during which he sustains a broken collarbone, a punctured lung, a concussion, a broken pelvis, a massive head wound, and a lacerated kidney. Brian Sipe returns as starter. Years later, many viewers are still traumatized by memories of the carnage.