A quarterly column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it.
Q: What is an appropriate amount of time to stay at your friend’s art show if you’re not interested in the social aspect of that kind of thing? I’m all about showing up to support people, but I find the conversations at these events so tedious and performative. And I hate who these events make me become: I find myself trying to fit in, while also judging my friends, who are all of a sudden talking differently and putting on airs. Should I just suffer through them?
JD
Los Angeles, CA
A: I went to college in a small town where we had to make our own fun. Lots of what we did was reimagine and emulate big-city functions like art openings, musicals, and fashion shows. Our events were scrappy, shambolic, and wonderful. They worked because we intentionally aimed for gilded and saw no value in actual gold. But when there’s a lack of self-awareness, these gatherings can feel performative and contrived. That being said, I now live in a medium-sized city, and the last time I attended one of these events, and felt my skin begin to crawl when confronted with a mid-Atlantic accent and Truman Capote cosplay, I started to think that maybe everyone—even in New York or Paris or London—is simply acting out an idea of what it means to be a partygoer or an art aficionado or an intellectual. So what is the appropriate amount of time to stay at your friend’s art show? However long you can stand to pretend along with the other fakers.
Q: I’ve gone on a number of art museum dates, but I’m not sure how good of an idea they are. They’re starting to feel like screening tests that invariably detect a problem. On one occasion, I was with someone I seemed to have a lot in common with, but we ended up clashing over most of the canvases—he saw laziness where I saw fleeting beauty; he saw bold defiance where I saw petulant rebellion. It got so tense that we ended up leaving early.
Another time, my date paused at nearly every painting to say something like “This painting is so me!” She projected herself onto everything, from portraits to landscapes, relating each one back to herself. Her constant self-comparison gave me the ick, and I decided to call things off.
These experiences have me wondering if the art museum brings out the worst in my dates, or in me. Should I stop taking future dates there, or is this actually a good way to gauge someone’s character?
Jess
Chicago, IL
A: Clashing over art should not be a deal-breaker, as long as there is mutual respect in both delivery and intent, a willingness to entertain opposing views, and perhaps the concession that a right or wrong interpretation is beside the point. On the other hand, “This painting is so me!” is an absolute deal-breaker and your reaction was entirely appropriate. (At the very least, you’ve spared yourself from ever having to hear the words, “This breakup is so me!”)
As to your question, I do wonder if museum-going is best left for further along in a potential relationship. While gently sparring over a painting or sculpture can be stimulating, it can be irksome too. Also irritating, I would think, is the constant affirmation and parroting of our own views. Plus, you need to be wary of the mutual desire to establish common interests early on, often while obfuscating more nuanced or even contrary predilections. And while you posit museum-going as a test of character, perhaps you’re simply struggling with the age-old quandary of whether opposites attract or if shared interests prevail. Or, to be less trite, maybe you deem yourself someone with good taste and are thus looking for someone else with good (i.e., your own) taste. No shame there! I probably wouldn’t date anyone who’d never heard of Poly Styrene or Elaine May.
So might I suggest a deeper examination of what you’re looking for when you say “character.” My hunch is you could replace “museum” with just about any context, and face the same conundrum: finding a romantic partner, someone who really sees you and loves you for who you are, is really, really hard. It’s often easier to look for faults and reasons not to try. Therefore, maybe gauging good character is less about how a date responds to David Wojnarowicz and more about how vulnerable, silly, sexy, gross, smart, and just plain stupid you can be with someone, and finding someone who can be those same things around you. No judgment, no ridicule. A person you can trust not only with your excellent taste in culture, but with your heart. If art matters to you, witness it with someone who matters to you as well. Sigh. This answer is so me! (I’ll show myself out.)