Wow. Scyld Shiefling. We’re hearing more and more about him these days. They’re all talking about the things he’s done. Now that was a king. They’re saying he’s a lot like me. Great king, everyone feared him. Armies, entire armies, just throwing down their weapons, begging him not to fight them. Tough guy, Scyld.
King Hrothgar, close friend of mine. He’s being invaded by the spawn of Cain. Cain isn’t sending his best people. Cursed by God, real loser. He’s coming in, crossing into the mead hall illegally. You can’t even go into the mead hall anymore. You used to be able to, the most beautiful mead hall. Horns, so many horns, the finest warriors, brave warriors, all drinking mead, until Grendel, I call him Sleepy Grendel, shows up. It’s so terrible. He eats them. He puts them in his bag. There’s a bag, nobody remembers the bag, but I remember the bag. You used to be able to go there, but now you can’t. So I tell him I’ll go.
Unferth—do you remember Unferth? Unferth, he loves me, but he used to not like me. The first time he met me, he said he couldn’t support me, but I showed him, and now, he loves me. I swam—I’m probably one of the best swimmers in the world—I swam across the ocean, and fought… I don’t know how many. More sea monsters than probably anybody ever fought before. And that’s why Unferth loves me, can’t stop saying how great I am. He can’t even swim. “Drownin’ Unferth,” they call him.
Sleepy Grendel comes in, and you can tell he’s not going to make it. Doesn’t even have it in him. I beat him. Everyone around me, amazed, didn’t think I could beat him, but I did. My health, amazing health, probably the best health of any warrior. He comes in, and I fight him, man, monster, arm, bag, sinew. Just like that. Probably one of the best. Nobody ever fought like this. I had the most arms pulled off since Scyld. You had to be there.
They’re saying it’s not fair. We spent so much time getting ready to fight Sleepy Grendel, but now it’s his Mother? Sleepy Grendel’s Mother comes in to fight and steals the fight from Sleepy Grendel. We spent so long! We were ready! But now we have to start all over with Grendel’s Mother? And I hear she lives in a pool of water, in a bog. Always known her as a bog person. But then she shows up here, on land, steals the arm right off the wall—and now she’s a land person? She’s a water person her whole life, that’s how everyone knew her, but now she’s on land. But they tell me I have to fight her underwater. Which is it? She needs to figure out if she’s a land mother or a water mother. It’s not fair. Someone should get Grendel, go get him, they stole this fight from him. The beautiful fight I won, and I’d win again.
You remember Drownin’ Unferth. He comes up to me, and he has this sword, the most beautiful sword you’ve ever seen. So sharp, you could cut anything with it. He tells me he loves how I beat Sleepy Grendel, and he wants me to have this beautiful sword. I’m going to use it to defeat Grendel’s Mother. They’re going to say it’s sexist that I’m using this beautiful sword to defeat Gendel’s nasty Mother.
The sword, it’s melting like an icicle melts in the sun. (You never see icicles when it’s hot out—they probably blame that on global warming.) Unferth’s beautiful sword is broken, snapped in two, and the other sword, it’s melting. My Christians, my beautiful Christians, you won’t have to worry about fighting anymore. God did it when I won. The handle, all carved with the Bible. My favorite parts of the Bible: 2 Corinthians, all the hits. The Christian Danes don’t have to live in fear anymore. They’re waking up and going to their mead halls and don’t have to worry about all of the crime, because I beat Sleepy Grendel and his nasty Mother, and now the whale roads are safe again.
People come up to me, they’re at the mead hall, they’re giving me presents, they can’t stop giving me presents. “Sir, sir, thank you, sir,” they say. Hrothgar, his wife, very classy lady, his sons, they’re giving me gifts. They can’t stop giving me presents of gold rings, horses, big, beautiful horses, armor, cups, beautiful silver cups. So many gifts for beating Sleepy Grendel and Grendel’s nasty Mother. Brave warriors, coming up to me, never cried before in their lives, crying big, wet tears, forearms the size of hams, just crying because of what I did for them.
They’re telling me I can’t beat the dragon, that I’m too old, but I tell you who’s too old, it’s the dragon. That dragon looks way older than me. Probably the worst dragon we’ve ever seen. My thanes, all my thanes, they’re here. They love me. My thanes tell me that they want to kill the dragon for me. I tell them I’ll do it. They’re crying, asking me to let them fight the dragon, but I say no. So I fight the dragon, and I win, even though everyone was saying that I couldn’t win. But then the crooked dragon poisons me. They’re telling me the dragon has poison now. It should be illegal.
I tell Wiglaf to get me some of the dragon’s hoard; all Wiglaf has to do is find enough of the dragon’s hoard, and I’ll be declared the winner. I’ll still be able to be king, but he tells me he can’t find enough. The fake news bards are reporting that I lost, but you know that I won, and I’ll win again.