Problem: I’m only happy when it rains.
Solution: Seattle.
Problem: The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days and days.
Solution: New batteries.
Problem: I look just like Buddy Holly.
Solution: Milk it for all it’s worth!
Problem: Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow.
Solution: Find a woman, treat her right.
Problem: All I can say is that my life is pretty plain.
Solution: Coriander, used sparingly, can really pick up your day.
Problem: What else could I say? Everyone is gay.
Solution: Legalize civil union.
Problem: I’ve got a bad disease.
Solution: Penicillin.
Problem: Something’s always wrong.
Solution: Identify the root cause and then develop a tactical plan to correct it.
Problem: We all want something beautiful, man I wish I was beautiful.
Solution: Diet, exercise, and plastic surgery.
Problem: Sometimes I give myself the creeps.
Solution: Valium.
Problem: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
Solution: Lay off the valium.
Problem: I’m just a sucker with no self-esteem.
Solution: You’re hitting it regularly, how is that a problem?
Problem: Every dog has its day, every day has its way of being forgotten—Mom, it’s my birthday.
Solution: Remember the milk.
Problem: Can’t find a better man.
Solution: Quit dancing, go back to school, follow your dreams—the rest will work itself out.
Problem: We were only freshmen.
Solution: You grew out of it, didn’t you?
Problem: Soy un perdedor.
Solution: You’ll never amount to anything with that attitude, mister.
Problem: But I’m a creep.
Solution: Cut your hair, don a jacket and tie, drink Corona.
Problem: That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion.
Solution: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Problem: Standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand.
Solution: Wait ten years, buy a TracFone.