Wow. Quarantine flew by. By the way, have you seen Brian? He. Looks. Hot. I know it might be because he’s the first guy I’ve seen other than Anthony Fauci in five months, but… I think I’m in love.
Before isolation he was just my nerdy, well-showered officemate. Now he comes strutting into work like Viggo Mortensen from The Road, a greasy, rancid bull-moose of pure masculinity. A real man. Sarah said his shower broke at the start of quarantine and he was terrified to have a repair guy come fix it. So he didn’t!
Ugh, I just want to run my fingers through his four-foot-long, sweaty-noodle hair. You can tell he tried to buzz it but gave up a third of the way through. He’s like a semi-shaven, sexy zoo-bear.
Who would’ve thought that major dweeb Brian would turn into such a babe? All it took was his braces partially rusting off, after not being able to go to the orthodontist for months. His wardrobe even got a huge makeover. Remember last year when he wore different outfits? Now he only has half a shirt! He fastened the rest of his clothes into masks. And It. Is. Working.
Also, you know how before he didn’t have any bedsores? Now he has hundreds of them. I know! His hands being bone-dry from obsessive washing complements the sores like crazy.
I can’t stop imagining our first date. I’d be like a beautiful princess newly freed from a cursed tower. He’d be like, literally the first person I saw on the street.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t only like him for his looks. He’s also an artist. He posted on Instagram saying he was gonna compose a song every week until quarantine ended — and he made it to the second week.
And he’s, like, so funny. He kept making these hilarious memes about 5G spreading the coronavirus. Sure, they seemed really serious, but if you knew him like I do, you’d know his Plandemic video was just a silly, pandemonium-causing prank.
I want to make a move, but I don’t know the deal with him and Sarah. They had a passionate quarantine fling. She said they were zooming every day — and he turned into a sobbing mess of fear and anxiety only once per call. He’s just like Tom Holland in Spider-Man, but instead of being brave, he’s a smoking-hot coward.
Plus, she said every time he tried to stand up, he briefly passed out. Mostly because the only thing he had to eat was his panic stockpile of Beefaroni. So. Adorable.
Don’t you think we’d make a cute couple? I’d be the WW2 sailor fresh off USS Celibacy, and he’d be my boil-ridden, ghost-white, massively dehydrated nurse.
Should I go talk to him? I’m not sure. I don’t want to overload him with stimuli. Oh my god. Here he comes. His alluring dead woodchuck-like aroma is setting my heart aflutter.
Um, hey, Brian. It’s, like, so good to see you.
There he goes, fainting again.
What a man.