If you’ve been identified as a dick by your mate, your coworkers, or the New York Times, we have just the program for you! Here at Dick Solutions, we believe in second, third, fourth — heck, we believe in an infinite number of chances for a dick to turn his life around!
Whether you’ve just recently become a dick, or have been one for so long you can’t remember a time when you weren’t a dick, our seven-day program offers proven, highly effective behavior-modification techniques to get your life back on the dick-free track!
Day One
Welcome
Dick Solutions is not into the “blame game.” We know how hard it is to admit you are a dick, or to have someone in the legal profession strongly suggest that it would be in your best interests to attend our seven-day training on a mandatory basis.
Day one is all about meeting and greeting other dicks just like yourself. To know you are not alone. To feel supported, validated. By the end of your first day with us, we want you to be able to say, “Yes, I’m a dick. But I’m human, too, and I deserve respect.” Even though, ironically, respect is a somewhat foreign concept to dicks such as yourself. Baby steps!
Day Two
Exploring the many ways we become dicks
We’ll show you how to spot dickness in your everyday life — from the moment you get up in the morning and salute your erection in the mirror, to the moment you fall asleep counting the women you’ve hit on that day.
Day Three
So you’re a dick. Now what?
You may have forgotten what life was like before you were a dick. Our award-winning VR simulations envelop you in pristine worlds where dicks have never tread. It’s like you’re right there! (Also available in traditional film for easily triggered dicks.)
Day Four
How can you kick the dick habit?
Our experienced instructors show you the path forward beyond dickness with guided group exercises such as:
- Conversations vs. Propositions
- Eye contact is the New Massage
- The Proper Uses of a Bathrobe
Day Five
Your new life as not a dick
Professional actors demonstrate through role-modeling how a few simple behavior modifications can start you on the path toward not being a dick. For example, you will learn how remaining seated can prevent the vast majority of assaults. Or, how keeping your clothes on encourages visitors to stay longer than they otherwise would have.
Days Six and Seven
Weekend Practice
Classes are over! Now it’s time to try out all that you have learned. Our coveted Certificate of Completion is yours for the taking, provided you can go two days without hitting on any member of our staff. We didn’t say it would be easy!
And for those extra-busy dicks who simply don’t have the time to complete our seven-day program, Dick Solutions has you covered! Call now to enroll in our popular three-hour course, “How Not to Be Sued for Being a Dick,” available for a limited time at the low, introductory price of $32 million.