Dear Sir or Madam:

This is a warning from your Internet Service Provider. Your IP address has been used to download and/or share copyrighted content, and accordingly, your internet service is at risk of being suspended. We are obliged to remind you that the downloading and/or distribution of exclusively owned or licensed content infringes copyright.

We’ve been notified that in the past month, you have downloaded 250 GBs of music by Canadian alternative folk-rock band the Crash Test Dummies. We thought maybe it was an error on our end, but we looked into it further and confirmed that you did indeed download 250 GBs of music by the Crash Test Dummies, creators of the 1993 hit single “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.” We did some research and it turns out the Crash Test Dummies’ entire catalog of music, even including side projects by the band’s members, should just barely weigh in at 1 GB, leading us to assume you either found and downloaded 249 GBs of unreleased music by the Crash Test Dummies (???), or downloaded their entire discography 250 times? We are baffled and fascinated. We have a few questions:

  • Did you think you were downloading something else?
  • Is it safe to assume that you, having downloaded over 200 GBs of Crash Test Dummies, only listen to Crash Test Dummies?
  • If you like Crash Test Dummies enough to download over 200 GBs of their music, shouldn’t you be buying it?
  • Can you give us just a general idea of what your personal life is like?
  • So was hearing “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” for the first time the greatest moment of your life? We bet.
  • Are you one of the Crash Test Dummies’ parents?
  • So, like, should we check out the Crash Test Dummies?
  • Is there some kind of ironic resurgence of Crash Test Dummies going on? We are all in our mid-40s here.
  • We’re wondering what you must look like and we literally can’t picture it. Can you respond to this email with an attached picture of yourself?
  • Would you maybe want us to send you some recommendations for other good music or are you good with the Crash Test Dummies?
  • Seriously why do you have 250 GBs of music by Canadian alternative folk-rock band the Crash Test Dummies in your possession?
  • What are the file sizes on these mp3s you’re downloading? Like 6 GB each?
  • In cases of extreme copyright infringement, the accused’s hard drive may be seized by the proper authority. If that were to happen, would they find even more Crash Test Dummies?
  • Is owning 250 GBs of Crash Test Dummies music something you openly tell people about or do you try to keep it on the down low?
  • Who do you think about at night before you fall asleep?
  • Do the Crash Test Dummies still tour, and if not, how are you dealing with that?
  • Say hypothetically you were forced to choose your favorite Crash Test Dummies’ song, and whichever one you pick, all the other ones disappear forever—would you lose your shit or what?
  • What is your favorite Crash Test Dummies lyric that isn’t“Mmm mmm mmm mmm/Mmm mmm mmm mmm/Mmm?”
  • We absolutely don’t want to get too pushy or throw around accusations or anything, but you’re not going to… kill the Crash Test Dummies are you?
  • Wait, did you maybe catch some sort of computer virus that automatically downloaded 250 GBs of music by the Crash Test Dummies onto your hard drive? Do you even know that it’s on there?
  • Again, any details about your personal life would really intrigue us. Marital status, hobbies (besides listening to the Crash Test Dummies), etc.

We remind you once more that we will terminate your internet service if piracy of copyrighted content is traced to your IP again in the future. We don’t anticipate this being a problem because we assume 250 GBs of Crash Test Dummies has to be all of it, right?

We apologize if this letter reads as judgmental.