How to Emerge from Hibernation

McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

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Women are just like bears. Each spring, we emerge from a winter-induced torpor state and begin the difficult process of relearning how to act like a (human) lady.

Here’s a step-by-step guide for reentering polite society.

1. Move Slowly
It’s important not to rush when burrowing out from your den of blankets, oversized sweaters, and half-drunk mugs of tea. After all, you haven’t left this comforting soft pile in months, except to urinate and periodically scream out recaps of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains. Try not to trip over the comically large stack of books you swore you’d read this winter, but didn’t.

2. Stretch
Shake off lethargy with a rousing spinal twist. Listen closely as your back pops and cracks like a cartoon skeleton. Can you hear it? That’s your bones singing, “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves. Spring is here!

3. Eat
Food is so different now. Goodbye, comforting soups, hearty stews, and sourdough loaves. Welcome back, fresh and healthy spring bounty! Asparagus. Rhubarb. Leeks. Jelly beans. Marshmallow bunnies. Those 150-calorie cream-filled chocolate eggs.

4. Groom
Tend to your neglected hygiene. Scrub the dry skin off your paws. Soap off your cold-weather musk. Attempt to detangle all the matted fur that now covers your entire body. Consider plucking that one long chin hair that’s been your closest companion since Halloween.

5. Clean Your Disgusting Home
Wash your blankets, sweep the piles of dust, and scatter birdseed in your windowsill. Maybe if you feed the birds, they’ll help tidy up? Worked for Snow White. Tenderly gather all the moldy, leftover bowls of Hamburger Helper scattered around your bedroom. Try not to gag as you clean. These bowls are gross now, but they hamburger-helped you through the winter.