I started my presidency with a great economy and now there’s a terrible economy and by mistake I dropped my phone in the toilet while I was tweeting and I could tell it was going to be a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election.
In October, Mitch McConnell got another conservative Supreme Court justice voted in and Rudy Giuliani got a starring role in the new Borat movie, but all I got in October was COVID.
I think I’ll hold a rally.
The press asked Sleepy Joe softball questions. The press asked terrible person Kamala Harris softball questions. I said the press was BIASED. I said the press was DISGRACEFUL. I said, if I don’t get treated fairly by Leslie Stahl during this 60 Minutes interview I’m going to walk out and share the video before CBS does. No one even cared.
I could tell it was going to be a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election.
At the debates, America liked Biden telling me to shut up better than my constant interrupting.
Nate Silver said my approval rating never got above 50%. Rasmussen said I was going to lose Wisconsin. Who needs Wisconsin? I could tell it was going to be a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election.
I could tell because Vladimir Putin said I wasn’t his best friend anymore. He said that Viktor Orban was his best friend and Xi Jinping was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend.
I hope you lose Crimea, I said to Vladimir, and hung up.
Then I texted him. Sorry, that’s the Clorox talking. I hope you’ll still support me in the election.
New phone, who dis? Vlad responded.
There were ballots that said TRUMP in creeks and wastebaskets, and tremendous cost-cutting measures at the US Postal Service to ensure billions of phony Democrat ballots wouldn’t muck up the election. Guess whose Postmaster General got investigated by Congress and had to reverse all these measures that would have helped me?
It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election.
That’s what it was, because after the polls closed I was WINNING even though the FAKE NEWS and CORRUPT BALLOT COUNTERS who DIDN’T LET US IN THE ROOM said they weren’t done counting the mail-in ballots. Come back next week and I’ll call it, said Steve Kornacki.
Next week, I said, I’m holding five rallies and a Rose Garden superspreader event.
In the East Room, I started explaining that we wanted counting to stop and also to continue and then while I was yelling at Fox News for calling Arizona for Biden, Twitter flagged my tweets for election misinformation.
I am having a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election, I told everybody. No one answered, not even QAnon.
So then we went on television to talk more about how I won this election (BY A LOT). I wanted to talk about recounts. I wanted to talk about the number of fraudulent votes cast for Biden. The networks said, We’re cutting away from this. They may turn off their cameras but they can’t make me stop presidenting all over this country.
I told my team to file lawsuits in Michigan. I told my team to file lawsuits in Pennsylvania. I told my team to file lawsuits in Arizona. The courts rejected the cases and even Bill Barr didn’t help much.
It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD election
My niece wrote a tell-all book about me and I hate reading.
There was Antifa doing something somewhere, probably, and I hate Antifa.
There was record voter turnout, the steamer Hope Hicks used on my slacks was too hot, and Dr. Fauci wants to start working with the Biden transition team to coordinate a public health response. I hate coordinated public health responses.
Marjorie Green Taylor says DC is under Democrat tyrannical control and the Proud Boys engaged in violence as they marched in Washington and I bit my tongue.
I think Melania likes Justin Trudeau more than me.
It has been a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD, RIGGED, STOLEN, FRAUDULENT, IN-NEED-OF-TREMENDOUS LITIGATION election that Joe Biden won.
Jared says some elections are like that. Even if I hold rallies.