Don’t get married before you live together. You just never know what the other person will be like to live with, and you need to figure that out before marriage.
Definitely don’t tie the knot until you’ve traveled together. You absolutely have to find out if your future spouse is a good travel companion – what if you get married and then learn they cry during turbulence but not The Notebook? If you don’t have money to travel, simply hitchhike together and see how your partner reacts when they have a gun to their head.
You need to make sure your marriage can withstand major life changes, so don’t get married until one of you has been fired from their job. If you like your job, then plan to marry someone who’s bad at theirs. Or intentionally sabotage them by hacking into their work email and sending nudes to their boss. If you’re uncomfortable sending your partner’s nudes, send your own. Marriage is about compromise.
Don’t get married before you’ve had children together. Seeing what the other person is like as a parent is key to determining if they’re the right person for you. If it turns out they’re a completely negligent parent, at least you know before you do something extreme like buying an expensive white dress. Throw the tester-baby out the window and call it a day.
You’ll be humiliated if your loved ones travel dozens of miles to see your nuptials and then you get divorced a mere two decades later, so don’t get married until one of you has completely altered their physical appearance. You want to make sure this marriage is about love, not just physical attraction and his trust fund. Shave your head, gain weight, cut your nose off, stay inside for 6 years — I really don’t care. Just do it.
What if weddings just aren’t for you? You need to find that out before you marry your partner, so don’t get married until you’ve married someone else first. Please consider me for the role of your starter bride. And then don’t get divorced — it’s a turn off to future lovers.
Don’t join in holy union until you’ve turned 25 together. It’s imperative that you’ve seen your partner hit the quarter-century mark and come out the other end. Ideally, this will happen to you on exactly the same day (if you’re a twin, you’re in luck!). You have no idea how many good relationships have failed just because one of them hit the wrong side of 25 and the other couldn’t handle it. If you meet after age 25, don’t get married. If you’re single at 25, sorry, but society warned you — excessively.
And don’t get married before you’ve both gone through periods of extreme depression. If your other half isn’t a naturally depressed person, try to induce it by depriving them of food and sleep. You need to know what they’re like when they’re nearly suicidal before your parents drop $60,000 on a wedding.
Are you “in love” enough to go visit them while they’re serving a life sentence in jail? You must find this out before you throw your whole life away! So instead, throw your neighbor Jeanine’s life away by murdering her, and then wait and find out if your LOML comes to see you every weekend. If so, you can walk down the aisle. Or, walk in a lap with the other prisoners. Orange is the new White.
Don’t get married before you’ve watched the other person die. Honestly, that’s a really traumatic event in a marriage, and you want to make sure you can handle it before you commit to spending your whole life together. Bravely volunteer yourself as the one to watch your partner meet their maker. This is usually the step where couples realize it’s not going to work out, so make sure not to skip it.