Greetings from Cooper Real Estate! We hope you enjoy your week at the beach house that your Buddhist doctor Father-In-Law paid for. He barely says two words to anyone for years at a time, then he randomly goes and does cool things like this. That’s just who he is! Anyway, welcome to one of your rare in-law vacations.

Every third Wednesday of the month there is karaoke at the bar a block away, every first Monday there are BOGO tacos and bottomless margaritas at Taco Jim’s, and once a month there’s a huge beach bonfire party. Bummer though, none of these events fall on the week you are here. However, here are some other highlights:

Monday, July 29
When you arrive, you may be inclined to walk throughout the house to size up all the rooms. Though you’re not contributing financially to the cost, feel free to get irrationally miffed that your lesbian step-aunts got a bigger room than you did. At least you don’t have to sleep in the bunk beds or share a room with your moody teenage cousin by marriage. Note: she isn’t moody, she just hates you. But don’t take it too personally. She hates pretty much everyone.

Tuesday, July 30
Pool Party! There’s a sweet heated pool and hot tub in the back yard. Unfortunately, the water heater is broken and it’s going to be chilly all week, so looks like you’ll be shit out of luck, bud. But check it out — the shower gets pretty hot if you can sneak in there as there will be a lot of competing bodies. Pro tip: Wear flip-flops. Plus, you can still swim in the pool if you like, but you’ll just be cold and alone.

Wednesday, July 31
Beach day! The beach is only seven short blocks from your house, which is pretty close compared to how far away the beach is from the actual place you call home. Despite that, when you’re carrying four chairs, a beach umbrella, a bucket of sand toys, and a bag of towels, waters, snacks, and sunscreen in the blazing sun, it feels a lot farther. Just call it cardio and remember: it’s practically a free vacation!

Also, you should get to the beach soon — a storm will hit on Tuesday night, overloading the drains, which will then dump into the ocean. It’s not raw sewage, just rainwater, but we totally get it if you don’t want to swim in it. It’s still probably cleaner than the water you drink wherever you came from. Still wouldn’t recommend it, though.

Thursday, August 1
Movie night! There are TVs in every room, and while most of them are broken or props, the one in the living room works. However, we strongly recommend that you don’t watch the demented sex-video game episode of Black Mirror, because your aunt-in-law, cousin, brother-in-law, and his wife will wander in during the racy scenes and it will be extremely awkward for all involved. Netflix and chill isn’t a family affair.

Weekend – Friday, August 2 through Sunday, August 4
Wild Card! Try one or more of the following activities:

  • Order seafood anytime your father-in-law does and he will pick up the bill
  • Disappear when it’s dish-washing time
  • Though you’re knocking on 40’s door, dress and act 22
  • Drink copious amounts of the infused-seltzer low-calorie booze Aunt Tani buys daily, along with your cousin by marriage who is not of legal drinking age (the moody one who hates you)
  • Definitely try some sublingual tincture that your stoner aunt by marriage (Aunt Jen) brought from the new CBD business she started
  • Do a few minutes of yoga on the beach with Aunt Livia, and then bail
  • Shower whenever you go near any body of water or get bored
  • There’s a football somewhere, also an ancient puzzle
  • Gossip with the younger generation about the older generation
  • Steal away with your husband to the five-and-dime store and buy a bumper sticker or a plastic sun hat
  • Read a dog-eared copy of Smithsonian Magazine on the patio between rain squalls
  • Find unexpected solace in your tiny seashell-themed room
  • Try to think up creative ways to escape a clunky and odd conversation with an aunt by marriage’s boyfriend

There is so much to do!

A few more notes on the house: the Wi-Fi password won’t work, cousin Ella will always sit in the most comfortable chair thus rendering it useless to anyone else, and your new Aunt Dee will wear sexy lingerie to dinner. Don’t mind her, she does things like that. (She’s a free spirit!)

Also, you may act like it’s hard to go on vacation with the in-laws, but we know you’re secretly thrilled to be here, so don’t forget to send thank you notes if you want to be invited back again.

Oh, and if anything goes wrong, feel free to email us, but we will be on our own vacation this week, so we won’t respond to emails until after you’ve packed up and left. Happy summer!