“German police say they have seized thousands of tablets of the party drug ecstasy in the shape of Donald Trump’s head, a haul with an estimated street value of 39,000 euros ($45,900.)” — AP, 8/22/17

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This report was written within 12 hours of consumption.

Background: I’m a twenty-year-old male and a casual drug user, mostly weed, but I’ve dabbled in DMT, PCP, Peyote, MDPV, Kratom, Mescaline, Salvia, Belladonna, Nutmeg, Chloroform, 4Chan, Pharms, KDP, KLM, KLM-2, Codeine, and coffee. I recently took a trip to Germany to do some ancestral research, and while traveling through Munich, I met a guy out at Rote Sonne selling Molly. Now, I’ve used Molly before, casually, so I was pretty comfortable trying it again. And the really cool thing about what this guy was selling was that each pill was shaped like who other than our Commander in Chief: Donald J. Trump.

Now, at this point, it’s important for me to explain that I didn’t vote for the guy. Personally, I went third party, but I won’t say who. I was originally all in for Bernie — he could have won — but the establishment Dems completely burned us in favor of Killary. Plus, I think people give Trump a lot more shit than any other president has gotten. This isn’t me defending him. I just want to say that it’s only been seven months. We should at least give him a chance, right? So in a way, this trip was all about me trying to see his side of the story. Trying to reach across the existential aisle and promote unity and harmony.

Timeline of Substances Ingested:
T + 0:00: MDMA (approximately 400 mg)
T + 0:10: a marijuana joint (just to enhance the experience)

The Day of:

  • Woke up at 11:00am.
  • Ate breakfast/lunch in hotel lobby.
  • Showered.
  • Cruised German Tinder. I originally purchased two tabs from the guy at Rote Sonne so I tried to see if I could find some company for the night. Sex on ecstasy is totally cosmic. German girls are the best. They’re blonde and fair-skinned with the most brilliant blue eyes, but in the end it turned out that they were too much like American girls: uptight and only willing to give it up to Chads and cucks.
  • Walked around town.
  • Napped.
  • Ate Dinner.
  • Settled in for the night at 7pm.

T + 0:00: I change into a hotel robe and get comfortable before ingesting two orange men.

T + 0:05: Think about texting my ex-girlfriend Natalie to see what she is up to but decide to roll a joint to calm down.

T+ 0:10: Smoke the joint and wait for the magic to happen. I get on Tinder again to make some last ditch invites, but no luck. I go to Natalie’s Instagram and scroll through her pictures. We started dating in high school but she completely changed in college. She took one feminism class and thought she knew everything. I scroll past a photo of her at a rally with the rest of her SJW friends.

T + 0:15: The weed kicks in and I mellow out a little. I think I can begin to feel the effects of the ecstasy. It’s warm and pleasant. I open my laptop and Netflix Das Boot while waiting for the rest of the effects to kick in.

T + 0:30: Okay, so this is different. I’m feeling a little disassociated from reality, not necessarily in a bad way.

T + 0:40: Strong physical sensations. It’s like pure joy. Slight visuals, too. I hold my hand up in front of my face and it seems like the skin is moving, like my hand itself is getting smaller.

T + 0:50: I’ve always though that Das Boot was a cinematic masterpiece, but it goes deeper than that now. I almost feel like I’m in the U-boat, completely submerged beneath the waves with my comrades. I’m not scared, though. Instead, I just feel this burst of utter empathy for each one of the German soldiers, like, I think about how scared they must have been. How life is so unfair. The German soldiers get a lot more shit than any other soldiers in history, but there were a lot of fine people fighting for what they believed in, and is any belief really more worthy than another?

T + 1:00: Okay, something strange is happening. I feel great, tremendous even! This is probably the most fantastic trip I’ve ever had, but there’s also this underlying sense of insecurity nagging at me. I feel like my hands are shrinking. I feel like there’s a doorway in my chest that I’m afraid to walk through because what if I meet myself on the other side? And what if I suck? What if I’m just some loser who couldn’t keep a girlfriend? I’m not liking this kind of self doubt. I’ve never experienced anything like it on ecstasy before.

T + 1:45: The doubt and insecurity have passed! They’re gone! I crushed them in my mind vice! Now I just feel amazing. I can sense myself swimming along the seam of time and space. I want to love everyone. I want to bridge the divide! It sounds crazy, but I think the origin point for the center of the universe happened right here. In this bed. The Big Bang happened in this very spot. I know it in my gut.

T + 2:30:The pleasure is unparalleled now. That initial feeling of disassociating from reality has come full circle and it’s fantastic. It almost feels like every bad thing that happened to me didn’t really happen. After all, what is truth, really, other than a fabrication of a different sort of lie? You must make your own truth in this world. Still watching Das Boot and I swear this is probably the saddest, most underrated film in history, and there are people out there who want to erase that. To erase what they don’t understand. To erase me even.

T + 3:00: Totally peaking. I’ve never said this before because I’m not really that into politics. After all, they’re all the same. America has been corrupted by a two-party system whose only loyalty lies with corporations. But honestly, I think I could be president. I feel it in my bones. I can finally see it. An intense sense of clarity is overwhelming me. Make. America. Great. Again. It’s genius, beautiful in its simplicity. How can you be against greatness? I text Natalie that very question: How can you be against greatness? She dumped me all because I wouldn’t vote for Hillary, and leftists say they want freedom of speech, but I’m not going to vote for a woman just because she’s a woman. That’s sexist. If anything, real feminism is being brave enough to know what’s right. My thoughts are making more and much more greater sense than they ever have before. Just look at Omarosa. She’s black. And a woman. Think about it.

T + 3:30: Getting another wave of that insecurity again. It’s uncomfortable. I decide to run a bath and relax. When I disrobe in front of the mirror, my reflection seems all wrong. My skin is saggy. My penis is both the smallest and the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.

T + 3:32: Phew! That second wave is over. In fact, I don’t think it ever really happened. My penis is definitely the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.

T + 4:00: I forget about the bath because I hear my phone buzzing. It’s Natalie. She says she wants to get back together. She calls me and tells me I’m a great lover, the best lover she’s ever had. It’s sad, really. Not for me, but for her. She used to have it, but she doesn’t have it anymore. She won’t age well.

T + 4:30: Epiphany: The Apprentice really should have won an Emmy.

T + 4:31: Epiphany: The wall can work. Solar is the future. Invest in avocados.

T + 4:32: Epiphany: Ivanka. We must secure the existence of our people and a future for…

T + 4:32:03: Epiphany: Florida is the future! Ban denim!

T + 4:40: Heritage not hate.

T + 5:00: I’m waiting for the comedown but still feeling great.

T + 6:00: Still feeling great.

T + 8:00: Feelings of greatness have not abated.

T + 10:30: Still no comedown, just Infinite Greatness coursing through my veins.

T + 10:31: That would be such a great campaign slogan: Infinite Greatness. Like, who wouldn’t want that. It’s unAmerican not to.

T + 12:00: No comedown in sight. Never coming down. Not ever.