Don’t make people take their shoes off when boarding your yacht. You should not be using teak without providing boat shoes anyway.
You don’t have to go to all of your friends’ galas. Just be sure to send a check for the cost of your plate if your RSVP is a no.
Always split the bill evenly. However, if you’re on a potential investor’s megayacht and stop for dinner, you should at least offer to pay.
When talking to someone about a celebrity, let’s say your dear friend Madonna, always assume they know who you’re talking about and use their nickname. It’s insulting to refer to her as Madonna when you all call her Maddie. It implies that you think your conversation partner doesn’t know Madonna intimately.
Only wake up your waitstaff if there’s an actual emergency. And no, wanting a little bowl of ice cream is not a true emergency.
Not everyone should wink. Talk to your surgeon about an eye shape that would work better if your lid winks in an upsetting way.
Whoever’s PJ you ride on gets first dibs on rooms in the villa. No exceptions.
If you borrow Madonna’s Grammy for the background of a Zoom call and it’s remotely tarnished, you must win a new one to replace it.
If you’re in conversation with someone and want to leave, you can as long as you’re more important than they are. Don’t condescend to them with any parting pleasantries or fake excuses. Just leave. They’ll totally understand.
If you have to do layoffs, ensure that your employees’ email is swiftly disconnected before they can send a company-wide grievance letter. Bad for morale.
You have six months to send congratulations for an IPO.
You have twelve months to send condolences for an SEC investigation.
If you must have your assistant send out the holiday cards, ensure she knows everyone’s nicknames. For example, Madonna would feel slighted to get her card and not have it say “Maddie,” your nickname for her.
If a celebrity dies, but you knew them only via your personal trainer or facialist, you are not close enough to merit a post on social media. However, if you have a photo together and you both look really good, particularly at a red carpet event, it’s a form of respect.
Assume a host’s chef has tailored their tasting menu to your life story. Your food allergies may or not be considered in this story.
Don’t send Maddie an Edible Arrangement for any reason. However, a case of Bottarga caviar will never be refused.
If you’ve met someone before, but they don’t remember, feel free to reintroduce yourself with your first and last name, as well as your net worth. It’s rude to make them ask.
If you put out bowls of platelet-rich plasma, you must let people perform vampire blood facials inside, even if you have a white suede sofa. The bowls are not just décor.
If zooming with subordinates from the Palace of Versailles, do not do so from the Empire Rooms. There are plenty of other options, including the North or South Attic or the Gallery of Great Battles.
Don’t explicitly ask someone about their de-aging budget. Assume it’s $2 million per year. Not everyone can afford more than that. However, you may ask what they paid for their luxury doomsday bunker. Real estate is expensive, so it’s reasonable to ask what other people are paying.
Ten minutes of lateness can be excused without penalty, unless you’re boarding a ship for Earth 2. Maddie and the other passengers are understandably nervous, and if you’re being launched to another planet, that means the situation on Earth is dire, and you don’t want to hang around too long.
If you’re on the ship headed to Earth 2, and Maddie farts, you don’t have to say anything. Just be cool about it—it’s a long way to Earth 2, and everyone is going to fart on the ship at some point, so don’t be rude.
When only three people are left on the ship because you didn’t have enough food and Maddie says you should be the president of Earth 2, don’t waste anyone’s time pretending you don’t want it. Immediately accept. Humbly.