This year, as cities around the world commemorate Earth Day, we, the Trump administration, will instead be celebrating America—the only part of the Earth that matters. And as part of our ongoing efforts to make America great again by slashing wasteful government spending, we are canceling all funding set aside for Earth Day tree plantings. Because we believe trees are DEI.

Urban tree planting initiatives are designed to restore the tree canopy in low-income neighborhoods, which have fewer trees than wealthier neighborhoods do. Did the trees in these low-income neighborhoods die because the residents didn’t take care of them, or because they were systemically cut down during periods of civil unrest so that police helicopters could better surveil those areas? It’s impossible to know for sure.

And does planting trees in cities reduce the urban heat island effect, lower air pollution, and decrease rates of asthma and respiratory illness, the way “scientists” say? We think the jury is still out.

But we do know one thing: Trees are cultural Marxism. Improving Americans’ “mental and physical health” by making cities “more pleasant places to live”? Nice try, commies.

Admittedly, we initially cut these urban forestry initiatives because, when DOGE was deciding what to defund, we slashed every budget line item that contained the word “urban,” including accidentally canceling a planned Keith Urban concert at the White House. However, after taking a second pass at the budget, it was clear that these initiatives were deliberately designed to undermine American values. Planting maple trees? The national symbol of our sworn enemy, Canada? Not a chance.

That’s not to say we didn’t consider commemorating Earth Day in some capacity. Following our success in securing corporate sponsors like YouTube, Amazon, and Meta for the White House Easter Egg Roll, we considered replicating the effort for Earth Day. The celebration would have featured fun events like the ExxonMobil Natural Fluctuations in Earth’s Temperature Awareness 5K and an educational kids’ puppet show sponsored by the American Energy Alliance, with a script penned by feminist author–turned–Cloud Truther Naomi Wolf.

And it’s not like we won’t be planting any trees. In fact, we’re excited to announce a $5 billion partnership with Lockheed Martin to install thousands of Tactical Reconnaissance Environmental Envoys or TREEs in US cities. These tall apparatuses resemble actual trees but are, in fact, arrays of CCTV cameras mounted atop metal poles. These devices will help police departments find perpetrators in America’s crime-filled, Democrat-run cities. Lockheed Martin’s TREEs may not provide shade, but they will stop shady behavior.

You may be thinking, How are trees DEI, exactly? Well, for starters, there are over 73,000 tree species on Earth, which is, frankly, way too much diversity. And tree planting initiatives are a ploy for globalists to infiltrate our country with the least desirable of those species. We don’t need any smelly ginkgos coming in and destroying our cities. And if the way we said “ginkgos” makes it sound like an ethnic slur, well, good.

If we had it our way, there would only be one species of tree on Earth—the Norway spruce, a beautiful Aryan conifer that’s commonly used as a Christmas tree. The world should only have tree cover that promotes good Christian values.

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was thirty years ago. The second-best time is now.” That means the best time to plant a tree was the same time the Clinton administration was facilitating international trade with countries like China. That can’t be a coincidence.

This is why, in addition to halting tree-planting initiatives, we will mobilize the US Forest Service to remove any tree species that do not align with our America First agenda. It’s time to send those ginkgos back where they came from.