“More than 150 university and college presidents co-signed a letter Tuesday condemning the Trump administration’s recent efforts to dictate the policies of private higher education institutions in exchange for federal funding.”
— NBC News
As president of Frat Party University, I am proud to lead US News and World Report’s “Top Party School” for twelve years running. It has been another incredible year of all-night ragers, never-ending keggers, and our annual “Spring Splash” that draws both hunks and hotties from across state lines.
But all of that is under threat.
The Trump administration has sent my office a list of onerous demands that threaten our very independence. Well, hear this, President Trump: FPU is not complying.
The threats to our funding are significant, but as any Frat Party Animal knows, once you start going down the Slip ’N Slide (failing to stand up for fundamental freedoms) you won’t regain your footing (the power to protect basic human rights) until you crash into the sweaty mass of hunks waiting at the bottom (autocracy).
This regime has threatened to cancel our student visas. But our international hotties are as important members of the FPU community as our homegrown hunks. What would FPU be without Lucas, the Brazilian bodybuilder, Olympic bronze medalist, and copresident of Sigma Chi? Or Hanna and Johanna, our co-valedictorian Swedish divers, who do everything together, including pushing back against authoritarian encroachment?
Fraternity Party University does not stand alone; our longtime rivals at Nerd Tech have joined us in our fight. We are sending kegs to Harvard and Jägermeisters to Princeton. Across the nation, students are rising up together: the nerds and the hunks, the twinks and the gamers, the burnouts, the hotties, the jocks, the cryptobros, and the skaters are all joining forces to defend institutions of higher learning and partying hearty.
So, President Trump, go ahead and do your worst. Remove our federal funding, if you dare. Just know that you will be responsible for ending our pioneering research in human sexuality, weed hydroponics, and beer pong physics. But we will not be moved. We will keep letting first-years into parties with fake IDs, but we promise to bounce ICE agents at every door on campus. We will keep showing our bodies at the Naked Mile, but we will never show the government our student rolls. And we will keep chugging cold beers, but we will never plug our ears to the cries of injustice.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise over our beautiful campus, on our empty quad, on the Solo cups kissed by morning dew, and life will go on. But from this day forward, Mr. President, our coed oil-wrestling oils will not help lubricate your fascist machine.