Lights up. MAN, WOMAN, and REALTOR enter an empty stage.

WOMAN
We’re so excited to finally start the house hunting process! I watch a lot of HGTV, so I feel like I could practically do this on my own.

The sky darkens, as an attractive ranch house is revealed upstage. REALTOR addresses the audience as well as MAN and WOMAN.

REALTOR
Our tale of hubris begins! Guard your souls as we approach, for it is EVERY HOUSE! And it is always just slightly out of your price range.

MAN
Does it have a double garage? Not a deal breaker, just wondering…

REALTOR
EVERY HOUSE will speak to you, showing you its vices and virtues. Can you distinguish them, humans? Stop and hear EVERY HOUSE! Also, by the way, the lawn care service hasn’t started yet, so picture it with some shrubs and stuff.

MARBLE COUNTERTOPS, dressed all in white, appears on the porch of the house.

MARBLE COUNTERTOPS
Humans, I will live in your kitchen, bring you beauty, and fill you with the sure sense that for the first time ever, you are precisely right on trend.

MAN
You must be the first virtue!

MARBLE COUNTERTOPS
Oh, no, friend, I am a vice. I am a curse on your home because it’s impossible not to stain me. But I’m so pretty!

MARBLE COUNTERTOPS flits back inside. A small, squat figure in brown enters the stage through from the basement door. It is UP-TO-DATE FURNACE. MAN and WOMAN look at each other dubiously.

REALTOR
I caution you, potential home buyers, to listen to UP-TO-DATE FURNACE! Although his looks are unremarkable, and he resides in the darkest, dankest corner of EVERY HOUSE, he is wise and helpful.

UP-TO-DATE FURNACE
I will cause you no trouble, and ask only for an occasional inspection.

WOMAN
Boring! Gotta be a vice.

UP-TO-DATE FURNACE flees, crying.

REALTOR
O, foolish human! A furnace is the very heart of the house! A virtue most warm!

Another beautiful figure, dressed in white, enters from the front door, holding two 2 × 4s aloft.

REALTOR
Oh no! Do you feel that chill? It is CATHEDRAL CEILINGS, and heat rises!

CATHEDRAL CEILINGS
Humans, look on me, and tremble with desire! How high are your ceilings now?

MAN
We live in my parents’ basement. I dream of being able to stand upright!

CATHEDRAL CEILINGS
With me, you could even stand on a ladder! Which you will have to do if you intend to clean me, ever.

REALTOR
Damn you, CATHEDRAL CEILINGS! Why must you always torment my clients? You seem so appealing but you are evil within!

CATHEDRAL CEILINGS exits, chortling. The MAN and WOMAN cling to each other.

WOMAN
We are unable to tell good from evil anymore!

MAN
Good Realtor, help us!

REALTOR
Hush, my children. That is why I am here, and why you are paying me 6% of the purchase price. I will look after you — even though a moment’s thought tells you that it’s better for me if you buy a much more expensive home than you perhaps originally intended. But think not on that right now! Instead, turn your eyes to PERFECTLY GOOD WASHER AND DRYER.

PERFECTLY GOOD WASHER AND DRYER, their arms intertwined, hesitantly step out onto the porch of the home.

WOMAN
Wait. Are they energy-efficient? That would be a virtue.

PERFECTLY GOOD WASHER AND DRYER
Um, no. But, we wash and dry.

REALTOR
But, still, a virtue to not have to buy new ones right away, right? (MAN and WOMAN shrug, despairing.)

PERFECTLY GOOD WASHER AND DRYER
Like modesty and gentleness, no one wants us until we’re gone.

PERFECTLY GOOD WASHER AND DRYER exit to the basement. From the front door, a few bubbles float out.

REALTOR
Hark! Your greatest test!

WOMAN
What is it? Will we be asked to explain the most basic fundamentals of our pre-approved mortgage?

MAN
For this we cannot do, Good Realtor! We do not understand what we signed!

REALTOR
IT IS JACUZZI TUB! HIDE YOUR EYES!

The front door is flung open and JACUZZI TUB emerges, a vision of pink, white, and blue bubbles.

MAN
Is she -

But before MAN can finish, JACUZZI TUB shoots a pulsating stream of water at him.

MAN
That feels so good! It must be a virtue!

WOMAN
But -

JACUZZI TUB shoots another pulsating stream of water at her. Both MAN and WOMAN shiver with delight.

REALTOR
You demon! JACUZZI TUB, I won’t let you again bewilder my clients. You serve no real purpose! Away with you!

With some effort, REALTOR is able to bundle JACUZZI TUB to the back of the house. When she returns, MAN and WOMAN look bereft.

MAN
Did she have to go? That felt so nice.

REALTOR
JACUZZI TUB is the worst, for she convinces you she is a virtue while actually being a vice. She is impossible to clean, almost always leaks, and usually bumps the price of EVERY HOUSE past what you can afford.

MAN
But -

REALTOR
Not what you tell people you can afford. What you can actually afford.

There is a silence. MAN and WOMAN look abashed. The front door slowly creaks open and NEW WINDOWS peeks out.

NEW WINDOWS
I’m not that big a deal but it’s nice to have me—

REALTOR
Not now.

NEW WINDOWS slinks back inside. MAN and WOMAN join hands and turn to REALTOR.

MAN
We’ve decided.

WOMAN
This is the home for us.

REALTOR
O, mortals, be ye sure? For it’s $20,000 more than your pre-approval, and Bert from Commonwealth Credit Union is already so tired of you.

MAN
Well, I like that it has those marble countertops.

WOMAN
And I like that it’s got a fully finished basement.

REALTOR
It doesn’t. That was OTHER HOME, which I showed you earlier.

WOMAN
Oh. You know what? It doesn’t matter. We are weary and bedraggled.

MAN
Yeah, this is fine. It has four walls and a roof.

REALTOR
But— (Her phone buzzes. She looks at this message.) Oh. This one just sold. (In the silence, we hear the other characters celebrating inside the house. Jets of water shoot out the front window.) Well, at least you learned some valuable lessons, right?

MAN
Totally. Next time, we’ll hold out for the double garage.

WOMAN
And we definitely need a Jacuzzi in each bathroom.

They high-five. REALTOR looks out to the audience.

REALTOR
Here ends the cautionary tale of EVERY HOUSE. At least they never mentioned subway tile.

WOMAN
Oh! That reminds me…

Lights down.