From The Kama Sutra Guide
to Flat Pack Furniture
“Your Stingka under-desk hatbox cabinet, the period of whose life should exceed four and twenty months, need enjoy doweling, l-keying, and stapling at different times and in such a manner they are not discordant and leave not unsightly splinters about the conjoined parts. It should be unpacked in its infancy, its constituent pieces removed from the plastic packaging and catalogued in its adolescence, and, in its old age, assembled and disassembled and reassembled, and thus seek to hold together without falling apart; that is, release from further flat-packedness.”
From The Kama Sutra Guide
to Broadband Internet Connections
“If speed is sought in all the modern pastimes, pains and pleasures, such as Game of Thrones, Tinder, and others, how much more should it be sought in the purchase of a reliable, efficient and cost-effective broadband?”
From The Kama Sutra Guide to
Choosing the Right Smartphone for You
“A consumer should fix his eye on a smartphone who is from a known brand, whose earlier version was released no less than one year previous, and who is old enough to be guaranteed free from bugs like bending in pockets and Windows 8. She should be born not of Blackberry, possessed of camera with a high pixel count, well connected, and fashionable enough to please friends and family but not so fashionable as to incur undue attention from purloiners and thieves. She should also be beautiful, with anti-scratch stickers across her visage, and with a reliable touchscreen and apps; these last should be neither more nor less than they ought be, and should leave consumer neither wanting more nor feeling overwhelmed. The consumer should, of course, also possess these qualities himself.”
From The Kama Sutra Guide
to Drone Warfare
“A drone that is fired upon a wedding or an unexplored location or allied hostages is considered undesirable, as is a drone fired upon uninhabited woodland. But some authors say that peace is only gained when firing a drone upon just such targets as they contain no living souls, friendly or other, and that therefore no drone should be fired other than the drone delivering Amazon books to parties of the heart.”
From The Kama Sutra Guide
to Shopping From SendYourEnemiesGlitter.com
“A man may order envelopes filled with glitter to be sent unto others, when he perceives that their desert proceeds from one degree of intensity to another. The degrees are ten in number, and are distinguished by the following marks:
“1. Grinding of teeth.
“2. Destruction of sleep.
“3. Ticcing of eyes.
“4. Loss of hair.
“5. Turning away from unhealthy pursuits of pleasure.
“6. Increased time spent commenting negatively on YouTube comment threads
“7. Increased time spent defending people who comment negatively on YouTube comment threads
“8. Increased time spent correctly defining ‘trolling’ on YouTube comment threads.
“9. Removal of shame.
“10. Death.”
From The Kama Sutra Guide
to Dressing Like a Lumbersexual
“Now, the householder having gotten up in time for either a McDonalds breakfast or a banana muffin from an independent coffee shop and performed his necessary duties, should brush his teeth with whitening toothpaste, apply a limited number of ointments and unisex colognes about his body, put some plaid across his back and dark, heavily creased denims across his lower parts, groom his beard, his crown and his eyebrows and look at himself in the glass. Having then eaten McDonalds breakfast or banana muffin, with other things that fill his belly and give flavor and fragrance to his breath, he should perform his usual business. All these things should be done without fail, and the sweat from neath his armpits should be removed at least twice daily.”