GAME SHOW HOST: Welcome to Eye Roll or Jerk Off Motion, the quiz show that tests just how much you know about Millennials. The rules of our game are simple. Each week, two contestants answer questions based on our polling of men and women born from 1980 to 1996. This week, we have Dr. Travis Gunderhoerf, a Communications Professor from SUNY Oneonta and all the way from Dubluth, Minnesota, a mother of two twenty-somethings, Ms. Ellen Davis. OK, let’s play… Eye Roll or Jerk Off Motion!
Question number one: In an appearance on The View, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton makes a joke about being “on fleek,” and—
TRAVIS: That would be a jerk off motion!
HOST: No, sorry Travis. While the majority of millennials polled believed the comment was worthy of mockery, most felt the jerk off motion reaction needlessly sexualized the candidate. The answer was “eye roll.” On to question two! A communications professor begins a lecture about the inverse relationship between the number of texts people send and the amount of actual communication.
TRAVIS: Eye roll!
HOST: Correct, in what I’m assuming must have been a question that hit close to home. In any event, you’re on the board! Question three: A southern politician claims his state’s anti-LGBT bathroom law was designed to—
ELLEN: Jerk off motion!
HOST: Ooh, no sorry. The overwhelming number of millennials polled used both an eye roll and jerk off motion to react to that one.
ELLEN: I don’t think that’s fair. I didn’t know that was a choice… stop rolling your eyes at me!
HOST: OK, question four… While scrolling through Twitter you come across a picture of waffles covered in ice cream with the hashtag “FoodPorn.” Anyone?
[No response from Travis or Ellen]
HOST: That is correct! No reaction. That is, apparently, a perfectly fine post somehow not worthy of derision. Points to you both! Question number f — Oh, and that’s our buzzer! The sound of interest accruing on crippling student loan debt belonging to a graduate working as an unpaid intern. Times up!
ELLEN: I didn’t hear anything?
HOST: That’s the thing. You never hear it. But it adds up. Anyway, that means Travis is our winner and goes on to the lightning round. Ellen, you’ll be leaving us with a $25 gift certificate to Gunther’s Artisanal Vape Shop, and a case of Red Bull.
ELLEN: Aren’t those consolation prizes a little… I dunno, obvious and lame?
HOST: They sure are, but they were selected by our executive producer who’s 65 and only working because his grown children still live at home. OK, Travis, this is the lightning round and the questions come a little quicker. You have one minute to get five of the next six questions right. Ready? Let’s play! Your aunt comments on your Facebook page.
TRAVIS: Eye roll!
HOST: Correct! Ted Cruz!
TRAVIS: Jerk off motion!
HOST: Correct! Comparing someone to Hitler.
TRAVIS: Um, jerk off motion?
HOST: Incorrect. Eye roll.
TRAVIS: Why?
HOST: No time to argue! Eye roll! Starting a sentence with “Actually…”
TRAVIS: Eye roll!
HOST: Correct! Snapchat link in online bio.
TRAVIS: Eye roll?
HOST: Yes. One more and you win. A bi-racial, Lesbian comic writes a scathing op ed piece about the deficiencies of the Occupy Wall Street movement.
TRAVIS: Uh…
HOST: Ten seconds, Travis…
TRAVIS: Well, I…
HOST: Ah, we’re just messing with you! Final question: Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Points on…
TRAVIS: Jerk off motion!
HOST: Correct! Congratulations, you’re a “winner”!
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