What are the main terms of the agreement?

We will pay you $5,000 a month, for life, in return for you carrying an 8’ inflatable Spider-Man around with you at all times. If you fail to carry the inflatable Spider-Man with you at any time, you will be required to repay all the money you have received, up until that point.

Would I be able to carry the Spider-Man around in a specially designed rucksack?

No. You will carry the Spider-Man underarm at all times, like you would a surfboard. The use of a belt or strap to aid this is strictly prohibited.

Would I have to carry the inflatable Spider-Man around with me at home, or only when in public?

Both. You must carry it around at all times. This may seem unreasonable, but it is implemented in order to a) control for differences between how often individuals may leave the house, and b) ensure that you do not simply reduce the number of social and/or other engagements you attend in order to reduce the time spent carrying the inflatable Spider-Man.

Is the money taxed?

Yes. Tax will be paid on a Pay As You Earn (PAYE) basis, leaving $5,000 net per month, payable on the first Friday of each calendar month.

Is it adjusted for inflation?

We can certainly talk about that.

Can I carry other superheroes? For instance, could I carry an inflatable Hulk once a year, on special occasions?

No. This is probably the question we have to answer the most. We feel that allowing you to carry a different superhero would go against the spirit of the agreement, which — lest we forget — is that you carry around an inflatable Spider-Man at all times. If you wish to carry around an inflatable figure of another superhero, then there are other organizations that can help with this.

Who polices whether I do actually carry the inflatable Spider-Man around at all times?

We do. We are shortly to begin trialing, hopefully with the next cohort, a new “dual” GPS tagging system, whereby the carrier will wear one tag, and the inflatable Spider-Man the other. If the tags, which can never be turned off, become separated by more than one meter, a proximity alarm will sound at the relevant monitoring station. Your tag will then vibrate, signifying that you have two minutes to regain the necessary level of proximity to your Spider-Man.

Where is the monitoring station?

Florida.

What if the Spider-Man gets punctured or stolen?

We suggest you carry a number of un-inflated back-up Spidermen with you at all times, in case of either of these situations. The exact amount is up to you, but we generally recommend no fewer than 20. Carry a bag if you need to. 

We try to be as flexible and as understanding as possible if misfortune befalls you and your Spider-Man, but we do still insist on a ten-minute grace period, during which you must inflate one of the back-up Spidermen and get things back up and running. If this does not happen, repayment proceedings will begin. We have learned from experience that we cannot be flexible on this.

How will you know that I’ve not just e.g. thrown the Spider-Man away so I can have a break for ten minutes?

Hey, don’t you go getting ideas! Upon entering into the agreement, you will be assigned one of our cameramen, who will follow you around for the rest of your life, filming you from a distance of no less than five meters. This may sound intrusive, but our cameramen are not only highly technically skilled individuals, but have also been trained never to interact with carriers, or get directly involved in any aspect of their day-to-day lives. Most carriers report that they cease to notice their cameramen sometime during year three. If there is a sudden emergency, however, all cameramen are trained first-aiders. Should you need their help, you can instruct them by saying “Spider-Man is definitely in danger” three times, in a loud, clear voice.

Does carrying an inflatable Spider-Man mean I can never again go on holiday on a plane?

We wouldn’t recommend trying to do this right away. Switching from not ever carrying around an inflatable Spider-Man to carrying around an inflatable Spider-Man at all times is a big life change, and you’ll get more out of it if you feel your way into it rather than try and “hit the ground running”, so to speak. 

However, as the inflatable Spider-Man becomes a bigger part of your life, you will inevitably begin to feel more confident and adaptable. In terms of this question, we cannot advise everyone for legal reasons, so check with your airline/tour operator before you book, and again the week before you fly.

8’ is very big.

Not really. It’s only two or three feet taller than you. And you’ll be surprised how quickly you get used to it. And all the time the money will be coming in, $5,000 a month, forever more, as long as you continue to honor your side of the bargain. In life, you get out what you put in. This is as true for carrying an inflatable Spider-Man around at all times as it is for anything else. Although carrying around an 8’ inflatable Spider-Man at all times is a small price to pay for lifelong security.

It will be awkward to take a bath as well.

Maybe, but “awkward” is not the same as “impossible.” Go into this with an optimistic, can-do attitude. You’ll be surprised what can be achieved while carrying an 8’ inflatable Spider-Man around at all times.

Are there any allowances that can be made for situations where it may be difficult to carry an inflatable Spider-Man e.g. bike riding?

We recognize that people have busy, varied lives, whether or not they are carrying an inflatable Spider-Man around at all times. So we are happy for you to implement a pre-agreed solution (e.g. the use of an auxiliary bike basket) to enable you to take part in an activity IF we are satisfied that it requires both arms, and the required proximity to your inflatable Spider-Man (see above) is retained throughout.

What if I become ill and find it difficult, for whatever reason, to carry the Spider-Man?

We can permit the permanent use of duct tape to attach the Spider-Man to your person, under very special circumstances. But it’s up to you to convince your caseworker, and then up to them to convince us.

What if I fall in love with the Spider-Man?

The main thing is to try not to worry about it. You won’t be the first, and you certainly won’t be the last! Although the agreement, and your obligation to fulfill it, will not be affected by this eventuality. Try not to fall in love with the Spider-Man.

What if I fail to carry the inflatable Spider-Man around at all times, and can’t keep the repayments up?

It’s probably best if we only talk about that if and when it happens.

What happens when I die?

The agreement will finish, and the inflatable Spider-Man returned to us, unless the person you have named as your next-of-kin contacts us to let us know that they wish to take possession of it. Alternatively, if repayment is underway, they will inherit responsibility for this.

Any last words of advice?

Yes — remember to have fun and be yourself. Do this, and you can’t go far wrong. Although — and we can’t emphasize this enough — try not to fall in love with the Spider-Man.