Fire – 2,000,000 BC
by Karter M.
Tacky and amateurish at best. Also, too hot. I won’t be returning to Fire.
Cooked Food – 790,000 BC
by Clifton P.
Cooked? I found it overcooked. Sent my order back twice, and my server Bharduall was not understanding. Is this our world now? Cooked Food, served by rude teenagers? Call me old-fashioned, but I never had a problem tearing raw Aurochs meat from the bone with my bloody teeth.
The Spear – 300,000 BC
by Paige S.
Guys, if you’re not Yelp Elite you’re missing out! At the Big Cave Elite party, they hooked us up with Spears! Then we did shots of Patrón and hunted a mammoth. Woohoo!!
Language – 150,000 BC
by Karter M.
Tried Language right when it opened and it was fine. Tried it again 500 years later and, yup, all the hipsters have ruined it. Look at all these posers with their “verbs.” Pathetic.
Rope – 28,000 BC
by Joe B.
I am climbing more! I am dragging more! I am hoisting more! Rope has made me active, and my abs and confidence have never been better. Even my wife loves Rope!
War – 14,000 BC
by Joe B.
Not bad! Great way to “cull the weak from the masses.” Me and the boys will definitely be coming back to War soon. I did deduct a star for the smell.
Agriculture – 10,000 BC
by Karter M.
Is this sustainable? Is this organic? Is this paleo? Is there a vegan, ketogenic, locavore option with this? Hard to like this when the labeling blows.
Lead Smelting – 6,000 BC
by Paige S.
OMG love this! This gave me irritability, fatigue, hearing loss, seizures, and the desire to eat “paint chips” (what are those!?). But my water now flows through tubes. Yup, TUBES. Let’s get some Mojitos flowin’ through those tubes, playas! LOL!
The Wheel – 4,000 BC
by Clifton P.
I wanted to like The Wheel, but I would prefer something less round. I will be messaging the business owner with my suggestions.
Division of Labor – 3,900 BC
by Karter M.
So, I just make wheels? All day? Nothing else? Just wheels? You people disgust me.
Monarchy – 3,000 BC
by Joe B.
I like this equally to Rope!
Money – 3,000 BC
by Karter M.
I give you my goat and you give me what? Nice try, asshole.
Global Spice Trade – 2,500 BC
by Joe B.
Very authentic! I’ve been trading livestock for cardamom. Don’t tell my wife!
Stonehenge Megalith – 2,200 BC
by Karter M.
Massive pain in the ass to build? Check. Uses excessive natural resources? Check. Little to no practical value? Check.
Lighthouses – 600 BC
by Paige S.
Ha ha ha, I don’t know why, but these are hilarious. 4 stars.
Map – 600 BC
by Karter M.
Shows you where things are, but doesn’t show you where YOU are. LAME.
Democracy – 507 BC
by Ša’u L.
Yelp keeps hiding my review of Democracy. NOT COOL, Yelp! Yes, I happen to be a competing business owner (I own Theocracy), but so what? If Yelp keeps trashing us business owners, I’m outta here.
Business Owner Response by Cleisthenes: Thanks for the review. I’d like to personally invite you to visit Athens to receive one free vote. I think you’ll be impressed. Note: Offer doesn’t apply to women or slaves.
Numerical Zero – 683 AD
by Karter M.
This is a dumb idea for a business. I would give this zero stars if I could, but Yelp won’t let me, and now they have no excuse.
Printing Press – 1440
by Paige S.
Checked out Printing Press Friday night, right after some killer margs with my squad!! We were like, “WHAT DOES IT DO,” and this Gutenberg fool was all, “spreads information across the globe,” and we were like, “SHUT UP and have a marg, bitch!!”
Wall-Mounted Spice Rack – 1622
by Joe B.
Wozers! Beauty and function! Finally a place to put all my cardamom! Would give this ten stars if I could but Yelp won’t let me!
Light Bulb – 1878
by Karter M.
We used to have lots of darkness, and it was perfect. Then this fucking corporate chain — Light Bulb — came along and ruined our moonlit rooms. I hate this, just like I hate everything.
Nuclear Warfare – 1945
by Paige S.
Yeeessss!! I’m callin it, playas: The best way to spend your Sat night is Nuclear Warfare!! They always have cheap Coronas, and how can U argue with that.