“I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER! … I DID NOTHING WRONG! … My end-of-month fundraising deadline is just DAYS AWAY!” — Donald Trump on his campaign website, which went down briefly, after he was convicted on thirty-four counts in hush-money trial
IT’S OFFICIAL: I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER.
A JURY OF YOUR PEERS (NOT MINE) FOUND ME GUILTY.
BUT I DID NOTHING WRONG.
SO YOU NEED TO HELP PROVE I DID NOTHING WRONG BY SIGNING INTO PAYPAL AND SENDING ME $200 IMMEDIATELY.
I ALSO TAKE CASH APP.
NOT STRIPE. CAN’T GET THE SWIPE THING TO WORK.
TOO FINICKY.
THE DEEP STATE IS MAKING MY CARD READER FINICKY.
THIS IS YOUR MOMENT. I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP IN HUGE NUMBERS. AND I NEED YOU TO SHOW UP WITH NEW CARD READERS.
IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.
GO AHEAD, MAKE A STATEMENT.
A BANK STATEMENT.
LOOK AT THE BANK STATEMENT CLOSELY, AND THEN REPLY TO THIS TEXT WITH THE DIGITS NEXT TO “ROUTING” AND “ACCOUNT.”
SOMEONE ASKED ME, “DIDN’T WE GIVE YOU MONEY LAST TIME? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?”
YOU GAVE ME $15 MILLION. HOW FAR DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD GO? THAT’S BARELY ENOUGH TO BUY ALITO A $15 MILLION BOAT.
I SPENT $15 MILLION COMPLETELY NORMALLY, I DID NOTHING WRONG, AND NOW I’M THE MOST FAMOUS POLITICAL PRISONER EVER.
MORE FAMOUS THAN JEAN VALJEAN, THE PRISONER FROM THAT MUSICAL LES MISÉRABLES.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING? CAN THERE REALLY BE A CASTLE ON A CLOUD? WOULDN’T IT FALL DOWN, THROUGH THE CLOUD? NOT SURE THEY THOUGHT THAT ONE THROUGH.
THEY MADE A MOVIE OUT OF THAT MUSICAL.
CAST MUST’VE COST A TON. THEY GOT JACKMAN. CROWE. REDMAYNE. SEYFRIED. EVEN HATHAWAY.
BUT DID IT LIVE UP TO THE ORIGINAL?
I DON’T THINK SO.
NOT SURE YOU CAN BEAT THE POWER OF LIVE THEATER.
THE SPECTACLE.
THEY WANT TO MAKE A SPECTACLE OF ME.
STOP THEM FROM MAKING A SPECTACLE OF ME BY TAKING OUT A PERSONAL CASH ADVANCE LOAN AND TRANSFERRING ALL OF IT AT THIS LINK. TURN OFF YOUR AD BLOCKER FIRST.
LISTEN: I WOULDN’T ASK FOR MONEY IF I DIDN’T NEED IT.
IN FACT, I’M NOT GOING TO ASK.
I’M TAKING YOUR MONEY.
YOU’VE DONATED BEFORE, SO WE’RE JUST GONNA RUN YOUR PAYMENT AGAIN.
THIRTY-FOUR CHARGES. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THAT’S HOW MANY TIMES WE JUST CHARGED YOUR CARD.
ONE FOR EACH TIME I DID NOTHING WRONG.
THE MORE MONEY YOU GIVE ME, THE MORE THINGS I DIDN’T DO WRONG.
THAT’S WHAT MONEY’S ALL ABOUT.
THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE DONE THE MOST THINGS NOT WRONG.
ONE DAY WHEN YOU’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG LIKE ME, YOU’LL UNDERSTAND.
ONE DAY MORE.
THAT’S A SONG FROM LES MISÉRABLES. IT’S ABOUT YOU, THE PEOPLE, RISING UP TO GIVE ME, A POLITICAL PRISONER, ALL YOUR MONEY.
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BOTTOM LINE: I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
EXCEPT WHEN I BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
IT WON’T POP BACK UP.
OLD COMPUTER.
DON’T LEAVE ME “ON MY OWN.” HELP PROVE I DID NOTHING WRONG BY SENDING ME MONEY FOR A NEW COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY.