“Hi! I’m Donovan! I’ll be your waiter interrupting a really hard conversation tonight! Have you two been to Wild Oats before? You have? You just want to get through this conversation in a public place where neither of you can do something that will make the other uncomfortable? Fantastic! Well, just to remind you of our ordering process, I give you four erasable markers of different colors. Just write down the foods you want in order of preference and I’ll get that right to you! See you soon!”
“Hey! I’m back again, right as you were moving past inconsequential small talk and getting into why you’re both here, even though you’d rather be anywhere else! Have you thought about ordering any drinks? Drinks would be such a bad idea right now considering the emotional intensity of what you’re both surely going through. I recommend the Nighttime Bloody Mary! Makes your Thursday feel like Saturday! Just wine in a big, throwable glass? Make that two? You got it!”
“So, have you looked at the menu yet? I know you haven’t because you’re both talking in the intense theater whispers of two people who both don’t and do want everyone around them to know how angry they are about a love that’s died and left the corpse of responsibility, as if you’re holding back shouts for an emotional killing blow that you want to deeply embarrass the other. I’ll just give you a sec. And by that, I mean I’ll literally give you a one chronological second before I return and you still haven’t made a decision!”
“And here I am, making you both drop to complete silence and look down at your laps as if I’ve caught you doing something socially unacceptable, like arguing over who should care for a child. Get a chance to check out those menus yet? I suggest Carter’s Crab Cakes and the Vegan Tilapia Tacos. I’m not even vegan and I love them! Fantastic. I’ll take these hastily-made orders and bring you food you’ll realize you didn’t want, only making this night worse!”
“You. Would. Not. Believe. Despite this restaurant being completely full, our chef somehow prepared your food immediately, giving neither of you enough time to build to full intensity about the eternity of hurt and financial work you face with the promise of a meal to create a safe, albeit brief emotional lull. Here is your Lazy Lasagna, Spinach Poppers, Thai Basil Caesar Salad, and Salmon Shaker Empanadas. And I hope you remember it’s all family style, forcing you to share food the way you once shared a bed and, you believed, a soul.”
“Just wanted to interrupt a nice moment of reconciliation to see if there was anything else you needed five minutes into your meal, when I have eyeballs and can see you definitely don’t! No worries. Just give me the curt word to leave you alone for a bit that the other can use as a foothold to pivot back to extreme criticism. I’ll be right over there!”
“Another glass of wine? It’s still early, am I right? Neither of you have said how much your son’s resemblance to the other frightens you, yet feels like a connection to a time when everything was exciting, truly exciting. I’ll bring those out right away.”
“Uh oh! Someone had a little bitty winey accident! Don’t worry, I won’t address the fact that one of you threw your wine at the other, a move you only did because you always wanted to do it and this might be the last time you see this person in a setting other than the cold handoff of a living being with feelings and memories. The fact that I’m saying things to you in a fun, sing-song voice only increases your anger at each other, leading to the next, inevitable phase of this dying relationship. I’ll get you another wine right away!”
“All done? That was good, right? Just as you lapsed into a silent, if cold understanding, I came right back and made you talk again, making you both verbally slouch towards the end of something that once defined your entire existence. Would you like coffee or some dessert to feed the void in your heart where the person in front of you used to be? You’ll tell me it’s fine, but I’ll briefly linger for more time than you wish to be on this Earth anymore.”
“Thank you guys for both coming to Wild Oats this evening. Here’s the check, whenever you’re ready to resign yourselves to a decision that can’t be undone. Stare at the receipt in this pleather fold, regretting all that you have said, regretting all that you haven’t. And if you’ve got time, please fill out this survey about my service this evening! I’ll be sure to wave at you as you walk out the door into separate Ubers!”