Team —

Depending on the results of tomorrow’s presidential election, I will either be far too hungover from stress drinking and celebrating to come into the office, or I will have decided I no longer wish be a member of the human race and will be spending the day picking out my casket at the All Bones About It Casket Emporium off Route 12.

If I’m working from home, it means we have the first woman President of the United States and temporarily secured the fate of the free world, and while I will have properly celebrated these generation-defining achievements, I’ll be able to respond to emails, texts, and Slack from 9-6, no problem, happily, even.

But I could be spending the day deciding between cherry or pine, brass or copper, tiny lace pillow or airplane neck pillow, and if that’s the case I can shoot you a text or whatever, but really what’s the point?

If I’m working from home, I honestly probably won’t be able to legally drive to the office anyway. We’re talking a champagne breath kind of morning, and I hate champagne. If not, don’t worry, I live super close to the Casket Emporium, I could probably walk, maybe I’ll stumble into traffic. It just depends on how this election turns out.

I ask that you keep meetings and deadlines to a minimum so we can all appreciate this moment, take it in, and remember that while this country has its differences, the democratic process, human dignity, and the basic idea that everyone should be treated equally have prevailed, and pure, solidified evil draped in a human costume has been defeated. At the same time, I also ask that you send me any TV show recommendations. I’ve requested to be placed in the ground alive, so I should be able to squeeze a few episodes in before I black out.

My plate is pretty empty right now, the Q2 strategy is with the client, the 2017 forecast was presented internally last week, and we have an offsite on Friday.

But if, wow, shit, if Voldemort-Turned-Reality-Star-Turned-Presidential-Candidate wins, my plate will be extremely full. Between making arrangements, comforting my parents, selecting images for my whiteboard, and deciding what to wear, I will have very limited bandwidth.

Best case scenario, I will see you all on Thursday. Please don’t hesitate to circle back with any questions! Quite literally worst case scenario, the service will be held at the St. Francis Cemetery, flowers aren’t necessary, and if I scream or anything just be cool about it.

I appreciate your understanding. Thank you and talk soon or goodbye forever and it’s been just okay.