The holidays are finally over and your body is tired. You’ve drunk every drink and eaten every meat — even the jerkies. It’s time to re-center and get healthy. Here’s a seven-day detox menu plan to get your mind balanced and your body in shape.
Day One
- 7 am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature castor oil, take dump.
- 8 am: Post-dump herbal tea
- 10 am (breakfast): Blueberry and almond smoothie, whoops, time to take another dump!
- 11:30 am: Coconut water to rehydrate from the dump.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Salad with carrot and ginger dressing.
- 4 pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds — oh god, run to the nearest bathroom, dump.
- 6 pm (dinner): Dump, broccoli and arugula soup, dump.
Day Two
- 7 am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature castor oil.
- 8 am: No time for herbal tea, as dumping.
- 10 am (breakfast): Raspberry and rice milk smoothie, drunk on toilet, because dumping.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Teriyaki dump chicken and steamed dump greens.
- 4 pm (snack): Miso soup with watercress.
- 6 pm (dinner): Pea and basil dump.
Day Three
- 7 am (or upon rising): Ideally by day three you’ll need only look at the glass of castor oil to stimulate your bowels and dump.
- 8 am: Dump.
- 10 am (breakfast): Dump.
- 11:30 am: Dump.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Dump.
- 4 pm (snack): Dump.
- 6 pm (dinner): Steamed dump.
Day Four
- 7 am (or upon rising): No dump?
- 8 am: Where’s the dump?
- 10 am (breakfast): This is getting weird.
- 11:30 am: Just going to wait around for it.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Nothing.
- 4 pm (snack): Miss dumping like an old absent friend.
- 6 pm (dinner): Tiniest dump in the world, but cry tears of joy.
Day Five
- 7 am (or upon rising): Stomach size of pearl onion, cannot stomach more than one pearl onion.
- 8 am: Herbal tea, dump out pearl onion whole.
- 10 am (breakfast): One salmon egg.
- 11:30 am: Dump out two salmon eggs. Creepy.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Miso soup.
- 4 pm (snack): Dump out miso soup. Curious, as it comes out in an intact bowl. How did bowl enter dump?
- 6 pm (dinner): Discover that you can dump out any food you want, in any container you want.
Day Six
- 7 am (or upon rising): Dump out bottle of castor oil.
- 8 am: Herbal tea (dumped out in a copper mug).
- 10 am (breakfast): Think about blueberry and almond smoothie, and it comes out of your magical butthole in a milkshake glass.
- 11:30 am: Make some phone calls.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Friends come over for impromptu lunch. Serve them mixed greens with steamed salmon, olive oil & lemon juice, dumped out on china.
- 4 pm (snack): Serve a full English tea, dumped out on a tiered silver platter.
- 6 pm (dinner): Teriyaki chicken, brown rice, steamed zucchini, dumped out with a lit candelabra and a white tablecloth.
Day Seven
- 7 am (or upon rising): Open a restaurant in your home.
- 8 am: Serve children dump breakfast of Belgian waffles and strawberries.
- 10 am (breakfast): Serve mushroom and leek frittata dump for ten. Point out to patrons how dump is cruelty-free and sustainable.
- 11:30 am: Visit from health Inspector.
- 1:30 pm (lunch): Implore him to try your dump caramel-braised pork belly banh mi, which critics are calling “a revelation.”
- 4 pm (snack): Sadly receive an F grade.
- 6 pm (dinner): Close restaurant, end detox cleanse.