First, turn down the lights. Lower, lower. There you go. Complete darkness. Dark, like the inside of your body. Your sexy body. That is, if you didn’t have a flashlight or medical equipment that would allow you to see your organs. Your sexy organs.

Awwww yeah.

Trace the shape of your partner’s face with your hands, avoiding the t-zone so your finger oils don’t cause them to break out, especially since you’ve just eaten Cheetos.

Face your partner and place your hands on each other’s hips. Then both of you turn around and touch your butts lightly together. In sex terms, this is called “Touching Base.” Make sure both of your pants are still on. You’ll want them for what comes next.

Rub your butts together. Back and forth, back and forth. Stifle your squeals of pleasure as the friction of the two fabrics make your butts warm. The adventurous couples amongst you should both wear corduroy. Vertical cords, rubbing horizontally, it’s almost too much…

Ooooooooooooooo!!

Whoops, I guess you suffered a mild butt burn! Pants on fire indeed!

Now, kneel down so that your face is across from your partner’s rear end. Closer. Closer. Your face is now two feet away from their behind. Now scream!!!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

This is the sex act called “Putting Wind In The Sails.” The vibrations of your scream will set your partner’s loins aflame! Make sure your scream is loud enough so the vibrations penetrate their slacks or cargo shorts. Hope you don’t have thin walls and neighbors because you’ll be making them jealous!

Now, for the sex toy. Take a lint roller and rub it across your partner’s sweatered arm. Rub it slowly at first, then gradually gain speed, up and down the arm! Up and down! Finish when the roller becomes too full of lint to collect any more and your partner has to remove their sweater because they are so hot from the sex play!

Hissssssssss!!!

That was the heat rising from your partner’s waffle knit shirt that was below their sweater that they just took off!

Now it’s time for the wax. Light a red candle. Wait until enough wax has melted so you can drip… drip… drip it onto an envelope that you and your partner will seal together with a special letter seal that you bought at a Renaissance Faire.

Squiiisssshhhhh!

That was the sound of the seal hitting the wax. Sealing your pleasure letter. Oh, look, what’s that over there? A whip?

Wiiiiissssshhhh!!! SNAP!

That was the letter going into the mailbox! Better leave the whip alone. Looks dangerous.

Are you ready for the finale? This is what they call the BJ. It’s a sex act that stands for “Bland Jawing.” It’s when you make your jaw go slack and make funny faces at your partner. Your sense of humor will arouse them to new unforeseen heights of sex joy!

SPLLLLLLOOOOOOUUUGE!

That’s the sound of your partner’s diet clear soda as they uncontrollably spit it from their mouth as they explode in laughter at your Bland Jawing.

Phew! That was a lot of pleasuring, you must be tired! Reward yourself with a depraved orgy of healthy snacks, like raw cashews and carrots and hummus.

Then fucBLEEEEEEP the shiBLEEEEEP out of your boyfriend’s BLEEEEEP or girlfriend’s BLEEEEEEP with your throbbing BLEEEEEP or BLEEEEP BLEEEEP while sticking your finger in any orifice that isn’t being used.

BLEEEEEEEP!