Since the beginning of time, the alphabet has been one of the best ways to designate blood types or write a threatening email. But with twenty-six letters, how is anyone supposed to remember which order they come in? Consult this guide, and soon you’ll be remembering the alphabet like a pro.
A
This is the first letter of the alphabet. We have nothing to build from so you’re just going to have to remember that.
B
B comes after A. Hmm. Well, you might as well remember two in a row. You’re already remembering A. One more won’t kill you.
C
Oh okay, so C rhymes with B! That’s actually a really good way to remember. Whenever you get to B, just think: “What does B rhyme with? C!”
D
Shit.
E
Ah, Christ. Okay, scrap the rhyme thing, forget the rhyme thing entirely.
F
Let’s start from scratch. Remember those first five, and once you get to E — and stay with me on this — start to think really hard about frogs. I don’t care what it is you have to do to associate the letter E with frogs, or why frogs would follow E sequentially, but once you do that, remembering F comes next is pretty much a slam dunk.
G
It’s because frogs start with the letter F. That’s why you should Pavlov yourself into thinking about frogs whenever you see the letter E.
H
I spent the last entry talking about F, so we’re going to have to cover G and H in this one. I don’t know, think about a famous person with the initials GH. Think about Gene Hackman.
I
Pass.
J
J is easily one of the weirdest looking letters in the alphabet. I’m sorry, but if you can’t remember J, I don’t know what to tell you. I can hardly close my eyes at night without seeing the letter J and thinking, “tone it down like three notches.” Sometimes I even say it out loud, even though I live alone.
K
Now that I’m thinking about it, George Harrison is a way better option than Gene Hackman. He’s more famous and probably knows the alphabet better too. Let’s face it — if you’re using Gene Hackman to remember that G comes before H, and not George Harrison, people are going to think you’re stupid.
L
I always have no trouble remembering L because it just sort of rubs me the wrong way, like those baby corn cobs or specific apes at the zoo. Spite is a great memory tool. It’s the same reason that when I meet people at parties, I always shout something I immediately dislike about them so I remember their name.
M
We’re halfway there! You’re doing great. I trained myself to remember that M comes after L through electroshock therapy.
N
Kind of a bullshit letter, basically the same thing as M. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to be mad if you use the two of these interchangeably.
O
This is the only letter that’s also pretty much a number. Check, please.
P
For some reason this one still gives me trouble, so whenever I need to know where P is in the alphabet, I just bang on the ceiling with a broom and shout, “where is P in the alphabet” until my upstairs neighbor comes down and tells me. You can also ask the guy sitting next to you on the bus, but he’s kind of hit or miss with these.
Q & U
I know it seems strange for an article about the order of the alphabet to put the letters out of order. But I’m doubling these up because they always act as one, like ice dancers or the Winklevoss twins. No, I don’t know how this would work for other non-QU words. I leave that up to the big man in the sky.
R
This one’s tricky, because when I get this far in I sometimes start thinking about frogs again. So I want to say it’s F, for frogs. But it’s not. It’s R, for rogs.
S
Another pretty useless letter I wouldn’t worry about. The alphabet is always trying to sell you all these bells and whistles you don’t really need.
T
We’re entering the nether regions of the alphabet — the letters almost nobody uses unless they need a crazy word like “methoxybenzenes” or “crazy.”
V
Once, I met this guy who was showing everyone how he could remember the order of an entire deck of cards. “What if I messed them all up, like this?” I said, messing up all the cards. “What if I mess up your face?” he said, messing up my face.
W
A lot of people like to joke that “double U” should really be called “double V” since it’s two V’s and not two U’s. Not me though. I don’t like to joke about anything.
X
This is a super easy one because three X’s mean “porno.” I’m also pretty sure it means “thirty” in Rome. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you ever see a door labeled “XXXXXX,” open it because there’s probably thirty Italian strippers behind it.
Y
It’s been a long road, but as long as you keep practicing these helpful memory tricks, you’ll be reciting the alphabet with the best of them. Congratulate yourself, you made it!
Z
What the hell is this?