I Want a President I Can Drink a Beer With

I want a President I can drink a beer with.

I want a Vice President who will spot me during a keg stand.

I want an Administrator of the Small Business Administration who understands the economic value of a Happy Hour and who’s undefeated at flip cup.

I want an Attorney General who passed the bar — then doubled back, went inside, and ordered two buckets of Michelob Ultras and the first round of drinks.

I want a Director of National Intelligence who likes to get wine drunk and comment on Reddit conspiracy theories.

I want a Director of Central Intelligence who gets similarly wine drunk and upvotes the Director of National Intelligence’s Reddit posts.

I want a Director of the Office of Management and Budget who always pays their rent a week late because they forgot and anyway, time is what you make of it.

I want a Secretary of Agriculture who grows their own psychedelics.

I want a Secretary of Commerce who thinks nothing of getting bottle service because they were born privileged and you can’t take it with you.

I want a Secretary of Education who dropped out of high school to devote more time to smoking weed behind the tennis courts.

I want a Secretary of Energy who’s too hungover to get out of bed.

I want a Secretary of Health and Human Services who raged so hard in graduate school, they no longer have access to either of their original kidneys.

I want a Secretary of Homeland Security who isn’t too wasted to remember to lock their front door, but is too wasted to remember where they left their keys.

I want a Secretary of Housing and Urban Development with a paralyzing addiction to ketamine, who once set their kitchen ablaze while preparing a Hot Pocket and accidentally burned down an entire city block.

I want a Secretary of Labor who’s never worked hard themselves, per se, but who has the ability to appreciate that trait in others.

I want a Secretary of State, but only if that state is Florida State, one of the premiere party schools in the country. Let’s go ’Noles!

I want a Secretary of Transportation who’s been charged with so many DUIs, they’re no longer legally permitted to operate a motor vehicle.

I want a Secretary of the Treasury, but only if they’re filthy rich because that means God loves them.

I want a Secretary of Veterans Affairs who knows nothing about veterans, but has some personal experience with affairs.

I want a U.S. Trade Representative who’s unwilling to make a deal, unless that deal includes cocaine.

I want a Supreme Court Justice who loves drinking so much that he can black out, sexually assault a woman, extract that memory from his brain, aggressively defend his actions, and still get confirmed for life.

I want to fill my government with people who don’t represent my best interests, but do reflect my worst qualities so I can feel comfortable in the knowledge that none of them think they’re better than me.