We have BOOKS!
Big books, small books, tall books, short books.
Books for all your READING needs!
Ask us about our NO-INTEREST LOANS.
No money? No credit?
No problem!
Borrow ONE book, get the second book FREE!
BOGO.
Also, get a THIRD book FREE!
And for an unlimited time, get a FOURTH book at absolutely NO COST!
No money down!
If you’re not satisfied, bring them back within two weeks, and they’re FREE.
If you ARE satisfied, bring them back, and we will give you MORE BOOKS at absolutely NO COST TO YOU.
We have so many books that we’re GIVING them away!
We have e-books and audiobooks! Enjoy unbound access to LITERARY MAYHEM.
And don’t forget: All of our books are TRANS-FAT-FREE!
Guaranteed!
Do you like to watch MOVIES?
Take our MOVIES home for a FREE, 7-day trial period.
You are under NO OBLIGATION to buy.
Want to be at the COOLEST spot in the summer? Visit our LIBRARY.
Want to be at the HOTTEST spot in the winter? Visit our LIBRARY.
Our CLIMATE-CONTROLLED facility is here for you.
READ our BOOKS. SIT in one of our BIG COMFY CHAIRS and read one of our complimentary NEWSPAPERS. All day long.
NO PURCHASE REQUIRED.
Available NOW, where all good books are found.
Here are some testimonials from just a few of our SATISFIED patrons!
“I cured my ignorance with this one weird trick: reading books at the library!”
— Brandon, patron, East Branch
“I was suffering from terminal boredom. Then, I found the library. I’m cured!”
— Connie, patron, Main Branch
“I went in there and read the books and NOBODY STOPPED ME. I thought this must be some kind of scam. But it’s NOT!”
— Darryl, patron, West Branch
We have LIBRARIANS. People who LIBRARY. They will library for YOU.
JUST ASK.
Call our TOLL-FREE number to find out more about the FREE SERVICES AND PROGRAMS we can offer you.
No salesperson will call, and no one will come to your door.
Call now. Our librarians are standing by.
Did we mention FREE INTERNET? (There’s free internet!)
Video games also.
Did we mention STREAMING? We stream.
Please. We’re begging you.
We’ll hold the door open for you.
You can even take our little pencils. We won’t stop you.