Attention: If you’re a single man over thirty making at least $150,000 a year but you’re ashamed of your pestos and bouquets garnis, stop what you’re doing and register for my twelve-part video program. In just six short months, I will turn you into a black-belt-certified fresh herbs master.
I want to be very clear: this video series is specifically for well-off divorced fathers who post angry truck selfies to Facebook. Do your under-seasoned canapes consistently disappoint horny wine moms? If so, over the next minute, learn why men like you need a radically disruptive mindset to become an omnipotent god of fresh herb maintenance and preparation.
Face it: you may be crushing your monthly sales goals and maintaining a cordial relationship with your ex-wife, but your herb game is weak. You mist your windowsill garden when you should spritz, and spritz when you should mist. Your chutney tastes like your chermoula. You mistake sweet cicely for creeping savory.
Look in the mirror—really look at yourself. Inside and out, past the Oakleys on the brim of your backwards hat, past your bizarre fixation on colloidal silver. What do you see? Do you see an apex master of marinades and infusions? Or do you see a weak failure who can’t deceive liberal chicks about his voting preferences because his quinoa salad lacks the polish of a mint chiffonade?
You’ve tried to deceive your dates with other methods, like bringing your own whiskey to one of those wine-and-paint classes or staying silent throughout an entire WNBA game. But eventually, you debase your salad with a green goddess dressing made from something called “Italian herbs stir-in paste,” and the conversation inevitably turns to the Thin Blue Line flag on your back porch.
Be honest: the old ways aren’t working. You need a revolutionized approach to herb cultivation and flavor enhancement tailored to the unique lifestyles of affluent suburban men trying to paper over their questionable political views with shallow displays of culinary affectation. My elite team of hydration engineers and soil specialists will curate menus and growth spaces with a charming insouciance proportionate to your progression along the authoritarianism scale.
Nothing compares to the neutralizing powers of an enchanting herb spiral or a zesty salsa verde, and only my program can guarantee parsleys and dills so delicate yet intense that they’ll overshadow almost any fascism adjacency. You think an absence of bumper stickers on your Toyota Tundra Capstone with i-Force MAX hybrid powertrain obscures your genuine politics better than a properly garnished amuse bouche? It doesn’t.
It’s time to get serious. You’ve wasted hours on the advice of farmer’s market chumps and broke losers with their dried herbs and gimmicky blends. That’s why you’re listening to me right now instead of enhancing a tomato and burrata salad with the vibrant anise notes of fresh basil plucked from a well-manicured hydroponic tower.
I’ve helped over forty sovereign citizens in the tri-county area roast Provençal chicken Chef-style like Jon Favreau. Now I’m ready to help you prepare exquisite pilafs and compound butters that will distract Brayden’s next stepmom from your podcast subscriptions. If your chimichurri isn’t described as piquant within six weeks, get your money back.1
Click on the link below and register for the iManHerb program now. Sign up using promo code IMANHERB within the next forty-five minutes to earn a free aromatherapeutic nasal realignment, redeemable at any participating UFC Gym.
1 Photosynthesis geotracking and mincing assessment fees still apply.