I consider myself a reasonable Republican. I voted for Obama twice, and as a Never-Trumper in 2016, I voted for Gary Johnson. Unfortunately, with left-wing candidates like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren shaping the Democratic Party’s platform this year, I fear that voting for Donald Trump will be my only option. And it’s not just my fear of socialism that’s informing this decision. It’s also this soul-destroying possession of Abaddon and his army of locusts that I’ve been dealing with since last March.
Believe me, I haven’t come to this decision lightly. I recognize that Trump has authoritarian tendencies, and giving him another term might cause the downfall of the republic. At the same time, I cannot support a candidate who has an unrealistic spending plan, especially one who prioritizes Medicare for All. Why would I want universal healthcare when Abaddon and his army of locusts make me yearn for the sweet release of death?
And to be fair, even though Trump has colluded with Russia, locked children in cages, and extorted the Ukrainian president, he’s done some good things too. For instance, I’m happy that he pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord and the Iran nuclear deal because Abaddon and his army of locusts unceasingly claw and buzz in my brain, creating a nihilistic drive in me that eagerly awaits the glories of Armageddon. I’m also a fan of his tax policy.
Now you probably think I’m just a selfish rich person who cares more about my wealth than the well-being of my country. But that isn’t true at all. I lost all my money to a New Orleans witch doctor who performed an exorcism on me. The procedure accomplished nothing, and looking back, I’m 80% sure the guy was just Jared Leto doing some weird method acting research. Nevertheless, I didn’t get a refund, so you can’t say I’m rich and out of touch.
In short, as we head into the primaries, Democratic voters need to think about people like me. Despite my complaints, I’ve basically learned to live with Abaddon and his army of locusts. Yes, Abaddon renders me a transmogrified wretch bereft of all compassion, but the only things he consistently complains about are vegan sausage, Mumford and Sons, and that smug douche from the Trivago commercials. He also has some iffy ideas about Jews. But even at the worst moments, possession by Abaddon and his army of locusts is manageable compared to the gradual implementation of center-left legislation. I call on all the Democratic candidates to adopt more conservative policies, for that would be pleasing to me and Abaddon and his army of locusts.
Also, if anyone has Jared Leto’s contact information, please send it to me.