Team, your creative output is dwindling. So, in today’s meeting we’re going to do something different. Everyone stand up, and move the chairs aside. Do you see this ball? See what I’m writing on it? I’m giving this ball a name. Its name is Ideas… [bounces the ball]… look how bouncy it is. Who wants the ball? Who’s ready for Ideas? Mike, are you ready? Here!… [throws the ball]…
No! Mike! Don’t catch it Mike. Jesus. We want Ideas to bounce off you, preferably off your head or face.
OK, let’s try someone else. Who’s up next? Dave? You want to improve your performance, right? Then get ready to face Ideas… [throws the ball]…
Oh, yeah! Right off your forehead. Man, that felt good. Where did the Idea bounce to? OK, over to the corner there. Yeah, that’s what’s been happening Dave; not good enough. Get up. Come on, bounce back. From now on I want to see Ideas springing off your face and going up into the air, OK, not into corners. Are you an “Ideas Man” Dave or what?… [sighs]… Jesus.
Alright. Not sure you guys are really getting this. Faye! Let’s go, Faye. You ready? OK, stand up front with me. Let’s bounce… Good… Yeah, that’s good Faye. You see this, guys? Faye and me are bouncing Ideas between us, were flirting with Ideas, I’m heading Ideas to her and she is heading them back at me. Faye, you’re awesome. I love your work. You and I would make beautiful brainchildren.
Great. OK, finally making some progress. Now, all of you, help me write Ideas on these other bouncy balls and let’s get a lot of different Ideas bouncing around at once. OK, ready? Good. Then let’s wipe some smiles off some people’s faces. Go, team! Go, Faye! You rock, Faye. Go, Mike!…
Dave? Dave, stop hiding under the table. Stop crying. You know what, you can just go. I’ll give you some busy work and you can just get the hell out of here. Christ, Dave. Yes, yes, it might sting when Ideas hit you Dave, especially if they hit you in the head, but that’s OK, be OK with it. Come on, let me bounce an Idea off your face for once… [throws ball at Dave]… Don’t duck, Dave. Motherfucker. Why do you make it so hard to get Ideas across to you? You can either take an Idea in the head or we’ll rack your brain. Is that what you want, Dave? You want your fucking brain, racked.
I really don’t know what to do with you, Dave.
Alright now — Mark! Hey, Mark? Don’t just throw Ideas at the wall. That’s useless. Listen to me. You’ve got to bounce them off someone. Come on, people! If you love your job then let’s see some septums deviated. Weren’t some of you traumatized as kids? Then let’s see some rage-thrown balls bouncing off some innocent faces. Let me hear you scream.
Robert! Throw it hard; put an Idea right into Dave’s head, will you. Break his nose. Rip his arm off. Go, Mark. Oh! Man, you just hit Dave right in the ear. Dave? You’re fine. Ha ha! I fucking hate this job! I want to kill you. I don’t consider any of you close personal friends! Go, team! Whoa, look out, Mildred is down guys. Bob is down too. Don’t let them crawl away. Hit them. Hit them with Ideas. OK! Starting to look good guys, good aggression. Nice, Mark. Nice, Faye. That’s it! Ideas are bouncing everywhere. Hit me with them. Let it rain Ideas on me. Hit me, fuckheads! Brainstorm!!…
[a loud Bonk sound]
Oh, god!… [falling to his knees]… that was hard… Jesus… What was that? I said I wanted Ideas ricocheting off me, not a… not a Pottery Barn coffee mug. That hit me in the face, guys!… [stands up groggily]… What’s going on here? Dave? Dave, what have you got there? That is not an Ideas ball Dave — that’s a nail studded bat. Mark! Robert! What are you guys planning to do with those knives, and that chain? Hold up, guys. This is some next-level shit.
Why? Faye? Not you too, sweetheart? Faye please don’t throw that brick at me, just know this: behind me is a plate glass window and if it breaks then we’ll all get sucked outside into the void. Team! Let’s rethink and circle the wagons, OK? Let’s relax and put our heads together. How nice does that sound? A bit of human touch? OK. OK? Faye, I’ll come and stand next to you. I want to smell your hair…
… [The sound of a brick going through a plate glass window] …
… [The sound of water rapidly filling the meeting room and then being flushed away with a loud toilet-like sucking sound]…
… [The sound of a room coming to rest after being evacuated of all organic matter….the restful sound of a wet Ideas ball rolling into a corners and a million shards of paper floating about like gentle snowflakes in a globe.]