Due to rising prices, regressive attitudes toward pay raises, and my 2002 Honda Civic’s engine exploding, I’ve had to come up with creative ways to pay the bills. That’s why I’m announcing my Patreon.

I know what you’re thinking. “Pay for education? That’s not what public school is about!” But I want to reassure you I’m not putting your child’s education behind a paywall. I’m merely offering more to those who want to help me afford rent, groceries, and a used scooter for getting around town. Think of it as Education+.

To further assuage your fears, here are my Patreon levels.

$10 a month: Thank you for being a supporter. I’ll give you a personalized shoutout during roll call every Monday.

$50 a month: Pressure is poison to education. So let’s give your student an extra five minutes on every spelling and math test. Plus, three “phone a friend” lifelines to use throughout the semester if they need a little extra help.

$100 a month: For the music lovers. As non-supporters sit and read quietly, your student will explore rhythm and flow with cowbells, tambourines, and everyone’s favorite, the recorder. We’ll all get a valuable lesson in the difference between music and noise.

$200 a month: Bring back the science! While non-supporters are busy with worksheets on outdated skills like roman numerals, cursive, and telling time on an analog clock, your student will be learning useful STEM concepts like the food web, scooter repair, and how to balance a budget in the face of rising prices.

$400 a month: Parenting is hard, and you’re swamped. But now you can send your student to this once-a-week after-school class, where I have the tough talks for you. Sample topics include, “Where did the dog go?”; “Why doesn’t grandma remember my name?”; and the always difficult, “What’s a divorce?”

$1,000 a month: For the Ivy League climbers. Your support at this level means I can ditch my second job at Starbucks. My new side gig will be writing letters of recommendation for your child. As far as anyone will know, your kid pulled me from my burning Honda Civic on their way home from tutoring refugees. Support me at this level for the whole school year, and no admissions counselor or federal prosecutor will get the truth out of me.

I’m excited to see just how many of you are invested in your children’s education. These early years really set the foundation for later success, and you can’t put a price on that. The state certainly doesn’t.