“Good morning, we’ll begin the boarding process for flight 1476 to Utah Beach in approximately ten minutes. If you have less than two hundred thousand U.S. dollars in savings, you’ll be standing on today’s flight. We’ll offer standees the luxury of ten minute leaning periods once in the air, and those privileges are only able to be purchased with an OmniBank credit card. It’s our pleasure to continue to offer leaning periods for purchase when most other airlines have exercised their right to cremate the middle class.”
“Good morning from the flight deck, folks, this is the Intel Avionic Hubot 7911 speaking, and we’re almost ready to push back from the gate before it’s set aflame to rid the area of disease and regret. If you’re not affiliated with OmniBank but have boarded today’s flight by accident, we’ll have to ask you to return to your Humid Possessions Hut here on the ground.”
“Sorry for that delay, folks, we’re ready to remove the piles of books and paintings from behind our aircraft’s tires and have the harnessed elders pull us back from the gate. Former teachers, please secure the cabin for takeoff. We’ll be flying over the middle part of the country that doesn’t have meat and is mostly on fire, but in the unlikely event of a water landing, OmniBank reminds you that you do not own or otherwise have rights to the water in which you are floating after impact.”
“Once we reach a safe cruising altitude, Former Teachers will come through the cabin with a special offer from OmniBank to purchase your babies so they can be given to your favorite celebrities once we land.”
“If you’re Normal or Dirty, stand right where you are and enjoy the flight. If you’re in our Worthy cabin, continue lying down and make yourself prone so you can be filled with rich fatty foods and sedatives for the duration of our flight.”
“Regardless of your status, relax, and enjoy today’s flight. We realize you don’t have a choice, but we thank you for choosing to fly with us.”