Do you put the “no references required” into “beady-eyed”? Can you turn a “year spent dicking around” into “Leisure Associate, self-employed”? Do you see a pro-fessional in every pro-crastinator? Look no further!

I am hiring an intern to assist with my summer 2012 internship applications. This is an exciting opportunity to wallow on the bedridden “frontline” of the job-seeking world. You will be working alongside the growing realization of inadequacy and fast-evolving despair of an imminent humanities graduate; an experience not to be missed!

Key Responsibilities:

  • Coordinating between my ego, inferiority complex, and institutionalized indolence (team-player a must).
  • Acknowledging my Google alerts selectively; investigating the likes of “…Followed by a Complimentary Drinks Reception” and “New Media Internship 2012,” while discreetly overlooking “Harry Potter Male Nudity.”
  • Collating job-site bookmarks into browser tabs with oblique yet stirring labels such as “Safety Net,” “Bungee String,” “Burned-Out Mattress” and “Infinite Abyss.” 
  • CV data entry and manipulation including; deliberating job titles from sullenly mumbled verbal accounts, developing a “gonzo” attitude to start and end dates, and remembering adjectives from my college application essay.
  • Assisting in the composition and proofreading of cover letters in a grimace-free capacity; excising all variations on the word “desperate” and spotting unintended plagiarism of boxed wine blurbs, DSM diagnostic criteria or similar.
  • Navigating between my bed and the mailbox without tripping, checking Facebook, or becoming irretrievably sidetracked.

Generally:

  • Maintaining concentration to a background of Willie Nelson’s 1967 ballad “The Party’s Over” continuously, tirelessly, tunelessly hummed.
  • Managing expectations; mine, yours, Mother’s, and my delivery guy’s. Do not expect to develop managerial skills. 

Basic Requirements:

  • A demonstrable interest in my self-esteem, well-being, and future credit prospects, as well as a passion for sustainability (of student lifestyle) and nonprofit (on your part).
  • “No problemo” problem-solving skills, uncritical-thinking skills, and a sunny sitcom-character demeanor.
  • Ability to lift at least 25 Ibs of high-tog down-duvet and my spirits!

Preferred: 

  • Research skills; a firm scrolling finger; a strong stomach for the word “savvy”; and an excellent eye for loopholes, lax standards, and freebie potential.
  • Comfortable using risibly outdated editions of Microsoft Office, sticky keyboards, and my roommate’s printer/fax combo.
  • A self-starter who is able to work with little to no guidance, supervision or signs of enthusiasm.
  • Writing and copyediting experience; must be familiar with MLA Style, Chicago Style, Deep Pan, Italian Crust, and Cheesy.
  • A “go getter,” particularly with regard to doorbells.

Highly Desirable:

  • Prior internship experience in a related field; ideally, intern will have completed at least one Pondering Internships Noncommittally internship.

Essential: 

  • Intern must be able to commit a minimum of six hours a week in person, as well as a constant nagging virtual presence, possibly via bespoke Tamagotchi. 
  • Intern must arrange for own transport, flannel bathrobe, and sense of external reality.
  • Four gushing letters of recommendation and some powerful Wite-Out.

Benefits:

  • While I cannot provide college credit, a weekly stipend of exasperated sighs and supermarket-brand cough syrup may be available depending on applicant’s experience, performance, and/or resemblance to Morrissey. 
  • Past interns have described their experiences as “eye-opening,” “challenging,” and “over.” 
  • Some have gone on to hire their own interns (citation needed).

THIS INTERNSHIP WAS RANKED 3RD IN “INTERNSHIPS MOST LIKELY TO RESULT IN BEDSORES”* BY STILL INTERNING QUARTERLY’S BICENTENNIAL EDITION

Start Date:

  • Whenever my latest milk carton is best before.

End Date:

  • The day that I actually bin it. 

How To Apply:

  • Please bake your résumé, recommendations, and 16’’ x 9’’ HD headshot into a three-layer cream-cheese-frosted sponge cake and leave behind the bathtub on my front lawn.
  • Alternatively, apply via email with a subject line of “20% OFF ALL ONLINE RETAIL—24 HRS ONLY” to ensure my notice.
  • Successful candidates will be notified with a vague halfhearted gesture by a hand emerging from beneath my covers within 2-6 weeks of applying. 

NOTE: In light of the projected high volume of applicants, appreciate that I could just be reaching for my laptop charger.

Please, no time-wasters, telephone calls, or eye contact.