Introducing Passivism: Feminism for Women Who Need to Be Liked

If you believe in complete social, political and economic equality of the sexes, but that whole feminism movement makes you feel a little too radical, you’ve come to the right place.

We’re thrilled to introduce Passivism, the latest movement that’s pretty much like feminism; only, it’s geared toward liberal-ish women who find meaty, substantive dialogue gross and upsetting.

Here at Passivism, we know how hard it is to be a woman in today’s – no, wait, please don’t stop reading already. We’re not like those women! This isn’t a lecture on the wage gap, or campus sexual assault, or how some women can’t obtain critical health care. There’s a time and a place for those conversations, and we’ll let you find it.

So, let’s just keep things light, shall we? After all, Passivism was founded as the answer to a simple question: Who says you can’t make a difference and feel comfortable while doing it?

We’re not here to mince the following words: many of the founders of Passivism are former subscribers of the feminist ideology. But it simply grew too burdensome to wrestle with feminism and the way it led us to realize, “Gee willikers, things are real tough out there for lady folk!”

With Passivism, we’ve sidelined the red-faced ideologies of feminism with a few nice, palatable notions we all can get behind: Everybody should be treated equally. Aren’t we all human? We’re obsessed with Hamilton. Color? We don’t see it. Don’t discuss politics at the dinner table. Let’s not jump to conclusions on that rape accusation; again, everybody should be treated equally, and also, did you see what she was wearing? We don’t think accountability has a gender.

Now, critical to any ideology is a grassroots membership that spreads its message. Significant capital contributions from majority-male companies that aren’t threatened by us means we’re able to roll out our signature retail shop, FLOUNDER, where prospective members can purchase comfortable, middle-of-the-road alternatives to apparel and literature of the feminist movement – a movement we would totally support in theory, by the way, were its members not so aggressive and hysterical.

In lieu of the pink p*ssy hats, Passivism and FLOUNDER partnered with our good friends at American Apparel on our signature product: Lady Long Janes™, a fun, gender-bending twist on Long Johns™ long underwear. We think you’ll find Lady Long Janes™ to be an equally impactful accessory that insulates your intersectional humanism on full display beneath a thick pair of ski pants.

“Can’t wait for the march tomorrow!” you’ll say to a friend after leaving your local FLOUNDER brick-and-mortar. “Don’t forget to bring your Lady Long Janes™!”

Then you can, oh, we don’t know, head over to a Chipotle and pick up Thelma & Louise or the 2016 remake of Ghostbusters on Blu-ray. Kidding! You’ll probably want to rent Toy Story 3. Everybody loves Toy Story 3 !

Lady Long Janes™ really rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And with Lady Long Janes™, there’s no reason for your boyfriend, pastor and extended family to question whether you’re going to hold them accountable for their words and actions!

Also, I don’t mean to overdo it with this whole Lady Long Janes™ thing – it’s just the only product we’ve firmed up for FLOUNDER and the Passivism leadership is really hedging a lot on its success.

Now, to clarify a few misconceptions about the Passivism movement. Passivism isn’t to be confused with pacifism, the belief that violence is unjustifiable. Passivism’s leadership carefully considered our stance on violence and so far we’ve come up with this: we wholeheartedly support the troops and respectfully decline to answer any follow-up questions.

Here’s one topic we aren’t afraid to get serious about, though: Mother Earth. Everybody agrees on the importance of the environment, right? In fact, Passivism’s prepared response to climate deniers is a simple yet effective, “Huh, I guess I never thought about it that way.”

We think it’s the perfect balance of suggesting a climate denier’s logic is dangerously deviant while continuing to affirm its legitimacy. Everybody wins!

Sure, many of us at Passivism would subscribe to feminism if not for the way it celebrates the qualities we were raised to reject. And, in a lot of ways, it’s heartbreaking that we satiate ourselves on lukewarm, conflicting beliefs because it’s more pleasant than challenging the social structures we’ve built our lives around.

But here at Passivism, we understand that sometimes, it’s more fun to have an easy day than to sleep soundly at night.