Please, thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. Thank you very much, it’s great to be here. Wow. Thank you so much for having me tonight.

Welcome to the Washington Hilton — or as President Trump calls it, “Scheduled for demolition.” It’s so nice to be here at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. I didn’t see you guys at the White House, though? Just kidding, I know you aren’t allowed in there — and don’t you forget it.

It’s been such an honor to sit at this table with the President and his lovely wife and children. And how about that performance? The President killed his set, just like the Clintons killed Vince Foster. Oh, come on, you know they did it. That’s what the trial was for. I’m looking at you, CNN. That coverage was very unfair.

Do you guys remember what Crooked Hillary used to say? “They go low, we go high.” Well, you don’t get any lower than her subterranean cell, so now who’s talking? Seriously, though, I really appreciate you inviting me here tonight, Mr President. I unfriended Alec Baldwin on Facebook just so I could be here.

And it’s great to see Mark Zuckerberg here as well, a guest of Breitbart. So fantastic of them to livestream this event and save taxpayers money on C-SPAN. They’ve done some great coverage, great, yuge coverage. That wasn’t a joke, please stop laughing. No, really — someone get that guy the hell out of here. Get him out.

Let’s not forget the other great man at that table, Justice Peter Thiel. Justice Thiel, you really are an inspiration. Your decision in The United States v. SNL was truly remarkable. I learned a lot. What? What? I really did. Lorne had a weak case.

Now, some people say that the President should spend less time on Twitter. But I like it. Did you ever see that bit Jimmy Kimmel used to do, “Mean Tweets”? Kimmel tells me now the President just sends him his drafts and he gets his cabinet secretaries to read them out. I’m looking at you, Dukey, baby. Come on, David, you know you love it. Let’s hear it for David.

I can’t let this evening go by with addressing the elephant in the room. I know, yeah. As you may know, a lot of people made fun of me for touching the President’s hair on my show last year. But I know a winner when I see one. I had to get me some of that! Get me a little of that winning feeling. Once you get a taste, oh man! No regrets, no regrets. I’ll tell you who will never feel like that: the New York Times. And isn’t it great that they’re not here tonight?

Speaking of old, gray, failing institutions, Anderson Cooper, where are you? Anderson? Gotcha again, he’s not here either.

Can someone check on that, actually? Just to make sure.

I feel for you guys, though, I really do. I’ve seen some pieces attacking you for “normalizing” this administration. Doesn’t even make sense. But you know what I say to those people? I say, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. It’s gonna be allllllt-right.”

Gets ‘em every time.

Look, I know it’s unusual for a President’s press secretary to host the Correspondents’ Dinner, but I’ve really enjoyed it. I’m Jimmy Fallon, and I look forward to seeing all — well, some — of you back here next year!