OK, so we wrote a list about what headlines would look like in the face of maybe the greatest tragedy democracy has faced, and guess what? It conjured the apocalypse. We have to think this is a result of witchcraft. So, with our newfound powers, here are some headlines we’re going to try to summon next…
We Forgot How To Count Votes, Hang On We’ll Be Right Back
(UPDATE: She Won!)
Trump Was Bluffing: He’s Actually Super Chill Towards Women and Minorities
Is That a Mask? Oh My Goodness: It Was Hillary The Whole Time
Good Morning! We All Had a Very Scary Dream. Now, Back to President Beyoncé’s Daily Concert
Trump Declares Every Day ‘Opposite Day’ and Just Does Everything Really Cool
OH, This Was Just Like That Thing Where They Stage a Drunk Driving Accident Before Prom So We All Learn Not to Drink and Drive
Obama Duct Tapes Himself to Oval Office So He Can’t Leave
Hillary Clinton Reveals She Changed Her Name to Donald Trump Two Days Ago
He Built the Whole Wall Around Him and Now He Can’t Get Out and There’s No Signal So He Can’t Tweet
Nice! It’s April 1st
Free Houses for Comedy Writers
Barron Invites All of America Over for Bowling Party
All of America Goes to Their Room to Think About What They Did
Katie and Broti Single-Handedly Solve All of the World’s Problems With Their Witchcraft
Whoa! Climate Change Actually is a Hoax and There’s Nothing to Worry About!
Donald Trump Will Have a Strict Bedtime So Hillary Can Run Our Country
Trump Appoints Hillary as Secretary of State Thinking It’s a ‘Secretary Thing’
Putin Tells Trump that Being President of America is ‘Super Lame’
Trump Makes Citizenship So Insane That He Technically Loses His So His Presidency is Immediately Null and Void
Turns Out We’ve Been Reading the Constitution Upside Down the Whole Time and Men Cannot Vote
Surprise! Trump Deports Everyone But We All Get to Go to a Super Cool Island Where Everything is Very Fun
Trump Visits California, Gets ‘Too High,’ Moves to Vermont to Learn to Make Banjos
10 Alternate Universes You Can Move to Right Now — Yep, We Figured It Out
Trump Won But Guess What? We’re Going to Bring Back Freaks & Geeks
End of Days Scheduled for Later This Week